She saved me: The hint.

Wow. Has it really been 2 years, almost to the day, since I last blogged? The past 2 years have been intense and I have used every ounce of strength to get through them. 

I now have a 2 year old! She is just the best thing that has happened to me. And she saved my life at the age of 1. A year ago today, I made a bold move that would forever change my life.

I'll explain. And you must understand me here. This is a long post. I'm going to go through my past 2 years....what I've learned and what has happened.  Sometimes blogging is like running for me. One of the best ways to clear your heart. Clear your head. Make the space for all that good stuff that IS now at the corner I'm standing at, not just a looming "around the corner. " ( See prior post)

Okie d! Here we go...

I will never forget just KNOWING I was pregnant. Just knowing that something was "off" and different.  I remember holding that pregnancy test with absolute fear, waiting for my heart and my head to catch up. You see, I had an IUD IN. How was I pregnant?! 

We had just moved back home, to Colorado, 4 months prior. I took a job with a great company of mostly all guys. You can imagine telling them that I was pregnant was the MOST FUN experience of my life! Yay! The new girl! She's preggo! But they were great, and so was I, despite all the sickness that ensued. 

You see, I believe in miracles. I believe there is a God who gives us hints throughout our lives...hints of what is part of our purpose and in part what will make our heart smile. I don't do much of religion, but do a lot of relationship. That's my jam. So I know not only was our baby girl our miracle, she was also a form of a catalyst for my life to hit the brakes and figure things out. A saving grace. A hint.

I got breast implants years prior. I had always noticed things going on, but chalked them up to stress, or just getting older and hitting the big 3-0.  What I didn't know is that they would kill me if something didn't get my attention. And the most scary thing is if I had not gotten pregnant, I would most certainly had NOT known about the extent of what they were doing to me until it was way too late. 

Fast forward past 24 weeks of nausea and puking, the onset of preeclampsia at week 24, extreme joint pain to where I was wrapping my wrists every night so I could use my hands and wrists somewhat for work the next day. I had extreme vertigo to the point I got my crystals checked in my ears because I thought they were all out of whack. The room would just spin nonstop. I had tinitus and ended up with 3 counts of pink eye (or what I thought was pink eye). My memory was GONE. I had heard mamas joke about this, but for me it was scary. I was stumbling over words and honestly felt like I had lost my memory completely and knew it was far more than the "mama brain."  Luckily, work was not affected, only every other area of life.  I was gaining weight at an extreme rate and although eating a trememdous amount of protein ( think body building amts in the 180s-200 g) and eating so so well(lean meats, veggies and fruits, dairy, etc), I was putting on weight at a rapid rate. My back would lock out and I thought I was developing arthritis. My feet were beyond swollen. I was scared. My doctors, whom I will always love and appreciate, kept asking me to please stop working. I could not for reasons other than here. So on I pushed! I made it to week 35 and then mandatory house rest ensued. Fast forward through an incredibly difficult labor and delivery that lasted almost 4 full days. 

I waited and waited for the symptoms to subside. I was told PREE would disappear after sometimes weeks postpartum. Around the 6 month mark I decided this was not normal and started my research. 

March 2016, I did an extensive panel of bloodwork with my doctor.  It was absolutely terrifying. I had many symptoms of Rheumatoid Arthritis, Hashiomotos, Lupus and now my bloodwork showed hints, but not diagnosis. I met with a Rheumatologist and he clarified with me that I did NOT have RA or Lupus and referred me to a doc for my thyroid. My family does not have a history of any of these conditions, so this was all so puzzling to me. I met with a doc for my thyroid. They wanted to put me on meds without much discussion. This concerned me. How could it be so easy to get on such powerful and expensive drugs without looking into my health or bloodwork?

I decided to take matters into my own hands and start my own extensive research. My MIL and SIL both brought to my attention that they had heard of some people reacting to med devices with similar symptoms as I had been having. So I googled issues with breast implants and bam! There it was. I found a Facebook group that had 13k women in it, March 2016. These women all had the EXACT SAME symtpoms as me! And their symtpoms improved when they removed their implants. This was by far the most bizzare and far fetched thing I had ever come across, but somehow it just resonated with my heart. 

So I asked questions and researched for months. I scheduled a consult with my surgeon to discuss removing my implants.  I asked him very direct questions. I understood that by even discussing these things with him was threatening his livlihood. But he shocked me. He told me that although it was very hard to say for certain my issues were coming from the implants, he could say that he did have many women who, once they had removed their implants, did MUCH BETTER with their health, and certain conditions improved, if not disappeared.  Well, this did it for me. I had learned enough. I was done. If I didn't find out what life was like on the other side, I would never know and it would always wear away at me. 

Explant booked for June 29, 2017. 

I have absolutely never felt as sick as I felt during pregnancy and beyond. I told Matt at one point that if this was living for me for the rest of my future, I didn't want it. My days consisted of sitting on the couch absolutely exhausted. I was carrying an extra 50 lbs at this point, having gained 80+ from pregnancy.  I had stopped living. Stopped hoping. Stopped smiling. I was very concerned and I knew if I didn't take a drastic measure, I would not make it. My health was spiraling out of control.  I felt like so many of those space movies when the astranaut is just grasping for that one chance at the rope to save their life. To grab it and pull themself back to the spaceship.  This was my only and last chance. My only hope. I had to know. 

Prior to explant, I did a hair analysis to test the heavy metals in my system.  I had started going to a naturopathic doctor at this point after being thrown every medicine solution in the book without much discussion. I had to know if there was another way. I found the BEST one in town and started discussions towards health. My doc and I were absolutely SHOCKED when the results came back.  He came in with another doctor and the look on his face was of complete horror.  Oh buddy, there was lead in my system. And so much that he thought he needed to bring a second doctor in to discuss this with me. I told him about my implants and all the women who were dealing with the same issues. His face went white. He said he had never heard of this but it all made sense and he was going to aggressively research this. My doc has since come back to me and said, "You know what? You were right. Your implants were making you sick. " Sometimes you have to be your own advocate. If you don't take that control for your own health, who will?

Yay! Made it to my explant day. I kid you not. The second I woke up, I felt better. Sure, I had just gone through anesthesia and had some pain meds in my system, so it would change, right? Nope. I never took one pain pill and felt so good I wanted to just do everything! This continued and continued.

So there's the background for you. 

So how to get all this lead out? Lead is nasty nasty stuff.  It gets into your bones and into every crevice in your body. It makes it way into your brain and causes memory fade and symptoms like stuttering, forgetting words, and just overall fogginess. It makes your joints hurt. It throws off our thyroid and causes autoimmune diseases to jump out of no where and exist in an otherwise healthy body.  It lives in every part of who you are. You have to force it out. And this process was absolutely exhausting. 

November 2017, I started the process of chelation using natural medicine.  This is using substances to remove the lead from your body. Basically, they go into every area and leach the lead out of your system. On top of all these tests, it had also become apparent that I had MTHFR. This is a gene mutation that is passed from parents to their kids. There are 50% of Americans who have it, but it may never give them issues and they will not know otherwise.  If you have it, you are not able to detox as someone without the mutation. You add this on top of the extreme amounts of lead in my system, and I was fighting a losing battle the 4.5 years I had implants.  My body was actively trying to break them down and destroy them, thus raising up my own army to fight them and my own body. That process left unattended, had started the process of all those chemicals breaking down in and leaching into my body.  Where does lead come from with silicone? It is actually a catalyst for silicone production.  It was from the implants.  I had poisioned myself without knowing it. 

We also did a food sensitivity test that exposed some things I was abolutely too sensitive for at this time, and cut them out. My number one thing was COFFEE, then tomatoes, potatoes, peppers, and a couple others.  I was so sad! My doc told me I'd be sick during chelation, but I didn't think much of it. I mean, I had been through the worst, right? Nope. As you go through chelation, all that crud is stirred up again so your body can transport it out of your system.   And if your body isn't able to transport it out quick enough as it's released, you get sick. Super sick. Think all the symptoms above and then some. During this last 7 months of chealtion, I held tight to the fact that I WOULD beat this. I had to. I wanted to live again! 

So here we are. A year later. I am at the end of my chelation, without a month left to go. I will be done August 1! We will do another found of extensive bloodwork to see what we need to do next. I am feeling 1000x better. Oh! And that group of women I had found on Facebook with the same issues? It wasn't limited to breast implants. Some react from any foreign object in their bodies. And there are almost 45k in that group now. Its the real deal. 

List of ACTIONS:

-20 or so supplements daily, taken at various increments throughout the day

-Rebounding on a trampoline for my lymph system

-Far infared sauna 2-3x a week for 45-60 mins

-Dry brushing 2-3x a week (followed by an extremely hot, then extremely cold shower to stimulate my lymph system)

-Working out (Cardio 3-5x a week, Weights 2x a week)

-Gluten, dairy, sugar, alcohol free since November 2017

-For the past month cut out all rice, potato, beans, eggs, legumes.  Only eating some lean meats, some veggies and some fruits. Kombucha has been my best friend!

-I had a horrible bout of IBS from the lead and side effects it caused. Gut repair and healing

-Continually clearing all negative things from my life: people, things, and basically anything that doesn't help me. I do not have time for negative energy and won't allow it in my life anymore.

-Smiling! And focusing on hope and goals. 

-Avoiding additional things like nail polish and chemicals

Where I WAS:

-I couldn't workout. Couldn't run. Couldn't do a thing. I had lost my muscle almost in entirety. No tone left. I used to run half marathons! Did the Beaver Creek Tough Mudder! I was a wreck :(

-Gained 80lbs

-Could hardly climb the stairs because of severe joint pain

-Couldn't wear any of my shoes, jewelry etc due to the inflammation in my body

-Some days, so puffy I could see my cheeks under my eyes

-Severe inflammation

-Severe IBS

-Horrible back and neck pain, joints "stuck" in place after sitting on floor and trying to straighten out when standing up. Very stiff. 

-Extreme amounts of lead in my body

-Hair and fingernails brittle, dry and destroyed

-Eyelashes and eyebrows gone

-Skin pale and unable to tan, would only burn (I used to tan easily and never burn!)

-progesterone low, vitamin D extremely low, estrogen high

-Adrenal fatigue

-No moons left on my fingernails and toenails (signifies adrenal and secondary thyroid, sickness)

-Mentally destroyed. So sad

-Severe edema and puffiness in my arms, legs, hands and feet. My head was even swollen where I couldn't wear my scrub caps for work anymore because they wouldn't fit my head, even with thin hair

-Red eyes from autoimmune kicks, and developed iritis. Super scary!

-Dizzy and tinnitus

-Sick all the time with anything anyone had going around

-Very high Resting Heart Rate and racing heart at times

-Situational depression (ya think? haha)

-Couldn't sleep 

-Unable to lose any weight. So discouraging. It was the inflammation!

-Overall, felt like I was on my death bed daily.

Where I am NOW:

-Running and training for a half marathon Aug 11th!

-Working out 3-5x a week and back at my previous strength and weight lifting

-Smiling!

-Skin clear and has color.  I'm able to tan and do not burn anymore!!!

-Mind clearing! I can think again!! :) 

-Dizziness and joint pain is GONE.

-I have moons on my hands, every nail except my pinky's (which are coming)! And see moons on my big toes for the first time in YEARS.

-Hair is thick, full and healthy again! Nails are strong.

-Eyelashes and eyebrows are filling in thick again

-No more symptoms of IBS

-Eyes are white again and no more flare ups with iritis

-HAPPY!

-Sleeping great

-Focused and calm, no more anxiety

-Personality returning

-Can wear all my shoes!

-LOSING WEIGHT!

I am a completely different person. My baby saved my life. Had I not gotten pregnant, I would not have had the extreme shifts that would throw my body into a complete tailspin and eventually grab my attention. And how does one get pregnant on an IUD still in place? She is our miracle IUD baby, but she is also God's way of saving my health before it was too late. I am so entirely grateful.

Cheers to a POSITIVE AND HAPPY FUTURE, FRIENDS. You have one shot at this life. If it's not what you want it to be, change it. Stop complaining and focusing on the negative. Deal with your stuff with your people, your tribe. But deal with it. Stop the bitterness and complaining. Get through it and LIVE.  Stagnant complaining is toxic. You have to take action. 

Thank you, God, for my baby girl, for my returning health, and for a husband who has walked through the MOST difficult time in my life with me, supporting me. Thank you for those seemingly random hint that are dropped at the most opportune times that give us insight into what we ought to be doing. Everything happens for a reason.  

Just around the corner...

As I sit here, there is a chilly, gentle rain and I just can't bring myself to close the windows. I can feel something other than pain for the first time in just about 10 months. It feels good. It is not uncomfortable anymore. It's just: real.

I have been purposefully quiet on my blog for quite some time, waiting for the conclusion to present itself as to not just be complaining, but more be factual and purposeful.  The last 10 months (basically since my last post) have been very difficult. And this is probably not even the right word to use. I got pregnant.  With an IUD.  After we went through the most intense 2 years of my life of all kinds of growth.  God really doesn't give you more than you can handle? Then He knows more than me of what I can handle! The timing was insane to say the least. I remember collapsing on the bathroom floor thinking, Oh my God, help me. I just can't handle this right now. This was just too much. We had JUST moved back to Colorado, not even being back 2 months, where I had just started my new dream job and was working hard to get adjusted to the newness of it all.  I had just come off the intense high of studying for the past year for the CNIM, taking it and passing and then packing up all our things and moving in a whirlwind home when an opp presented itself. I needed more than a mental break. I needed to literally clock out of all of life for awhile and recharge.

Well, if someone had told me what pregnancy would do to me, I would have cried nonstop for the entire time, and well...I kinda did. Pregnancy hates me. I share the same feeling. Can we talk being the most sick I have EVER been? Morning sickness until week 24.  We are talking using every minute of every day trying not to puke. In my mask. On my scrubs. Everywhere. That stops finally, and pregnancy induced carpal tunnel takes over. Wrapping my wrists every night or I would wake with them unusable for the day's work.  Insane joint pain.  Waking up for months with the room spinning and ears ringing. Puking from the vertigo. This all never completely vanished. Week 24 I was also diagnosed with preeclampsia.  My uterus was pissed off at me and contracting for weeks prior to labor.  You name it, I had it.  Oddly, I was never afraid and knew it would be ok if I could just make it to the finish line. Thank God for modern and ancient medicine. Acupuncture and changing my diet helped tremendously. I thank God for my midwives and doulas who helped me navigate this completely unknown territory.  My cousin's wife, and dear friend, was pregnant the same time and I pretty much copied her every move as much as I could to get through it all!

Fast forward to week 34.  We have made it so far. Have I mentioned how CRAPPY you feel with preeclampsia?!  I literally felt like every single day was my last and I was on my death bed. I just kept taking one step forward a day as that's all I could handle.  To pretend to be feeling good and normal. My Lil daughter and I were gonna make this insane Tough Mudder ours! If we could just make it a couple more weeks....

High BP. Hospital visit. Sobbing.  All's normal. Going home. Prayers carried us by so many.  Insane emotional roller coaster of hormones and wants and wishes. My husband, Matt, could not have been MORE supportive this entire time if he wanted to. Team Voelker rocks.  I look at him and am so grateful for going on this journey with him.  God knew it would take a strong man to handle all this, and I guess subconsciously I knew I would need the same.  Picking up a man in the airport is highly recommended ;)

All looks good. Get to week 37. Losing amniotic fluid pretty rapidly. 16 to 6 in 3 days. Pulling trigger on inducing. Thank God.

Well, we sure fought for this one! Friday, June 17 we go to hospital to start the induction process. Naively, I thought we would have her that night if not sometime Saturday. Here's the birth story there....

We roll into the hospital 50-60% effaced and barely a 1 dilated. Gameplan: start with Cervidil to ripen the cervix and go from there. 12 hours later, I had effaced to 60-70% but no changes with dilation even though I was contracting frequently with pattern. Next up to bat: Cytotec. 12 more hours. No change. Super frustrating and defeating for me as this whole process had been so mentally and physically wearing.  I felt I only had enough energy to make it a certain distance and that was quickly being used up for nada.  Changed the plan a bit. Whoohoo! Now we are moving! Dilated 3-4 and 70-80% effaced.  Talk about a snails' pace! It's a marathon, Sarah. Embrace the pain. You got this.


Foley Bulb: I hate you. I love you. Talk about wowzer discomfort and pain. 40cc's are not fun inserting a giant water balloon.  Cervix hears my pleas and cooperates. Dilated to 4.5! My midwife comes and breaks my waters. Holy heck. That is a fun experience. Here we go. Freight train roaring out of the station. We are in active labor after 2 days. Sunday night I go through all I have learned with my Matt and I make it. I get though transition and honestly didn't even know I was. At this point, I am so beyond exhausted, but know the feeling is so similiar to my marathons, it's all good and I know I got this. It is a weird feeling not knowing what your body of 33 years is going to do.  Trusting it's every move is doing something and closing eyes and going with the flow.  There was a peace around me that I can't describe but meditative.  Staring at the shower head through contractions in the tub saved me. That small rip in the ceiling saved me. Staring and clocking out much like in a marathon.  This isn't pain. This is just what my body was meant for. This is just pressure. I can do this. Embrace it.

Well, Monday morning arrives. I feel the need to push. We try for what seems like hours. I remember saying over and over, I don't know how to do this. I don't know what to do. We figure out what is going on. Lilia is positioned sunny side up and causing extreme back labor for me. Coming down at an angle and lodging on my pelvis. Mylanta. Why would I expect this part to be easy? HA!

I put my running music on for my high.  It worked. I got my runners high in labor. This is when it all sunk in.  I physically could not do this without aid.  The fuel station was right here and I needed it at mile 25.  At this point, my contractions were starting to shut down, 1 every 10 minutes, probably out of protectiveness and sheer pain.  The plan was to move Lilia naturally while possible. Then administer pitocin to increase my contractions again to aid me in pushing productively. I literally could not handle the back labor.  I dreaded the 1 every 10 minute contractions, and couldn't handle more frequent.  Every contraction, baby's head rammed hard into my tailbone, bruising it more and more.  It felt like someone had a sledge hammer to my pelvis.  I needed help. I needed aid. Because of Lilia's angle, I could not get her out.

I had a flashback to my Colorado Marathon.  I had trained so hard, but nothing can prepare you for race day.  I naively so many years back had left all my warm clothes in my checked bag at the start.  I waited, in the canyon's shade, for over an hour in 20 degrees up the canyon in shorts, a tank and long sleeve tech shirt. I burned all my fuel before even starting the 26.2 miles. Halfway though this race, I had to accept my body literally could not do what I had trained it to do. I had to let go of the dream race and embrace the slower pace with the goal of finishing the dang thing.  It became an enjoyable experience for me, the achiever, although so much of me was tempted to push anyway and be thoroughly disappointed at the end. I chose another ending.

Well, this is what happened to me in that moment somewhere between 5-8 am Monday, June 20th.  I had to decide. Be the stubborn, hard headed Sarah I have been known to be, or accept the help to heal my body and get through it.  I called for the dreaded epi and pit.  This was the time. My doula  and midwife agreed. This was when it was necessary.  At this point, I had been in labor since Friday evening, and active labor for over 10 hours.  You do the math.  It will hurt me to think about it.  I needed to conserve for the end.

Que sleep. Glorious sleep. Our plan worked. As I slept for 4-5 hours, my body worked with the pit to reposition our baby girl.  My coworker anesthesia had been the one on call and came to my aid when the epi was called for.  Ironically, but not, weeks before, we had been chatting in a case and they asked me what my preference was, drugs or none. I had shared all about not wanting drugs and no epi if possible. So you can imagine my surprise and relief when they walked in, already knowing my preferences and administered the most perfect dose of the perfect cocktail I could have asked for.  I could still feel, but with no pain. I was not numb, but could feel my body's cues.  It was the ideal situation.

Game time. I got to watch my daughter being born.  I got to push her out, which I needed so badly.  It was my exclamation point to the most difficult months of my life: that it was finished.  It was one of the highlights of my life. I thank God for that mirror that taught me what was needed and let me witness her first breath into this incredible world.  Matt caught her. Team Voelker!  I remember screaming, she's huge! For 2 weeks early (1 day away from 38 weeks), weighing 8 lbs 3 oz, I was so grateful she was OUT.  I fought for this Lil one.

We named her Lilia Reese. Lilia means "All I have belongs to God" and "Beautiful flower" while Reese means "Ardent, fiery and enthusiastic."  We couldn't of a better name for what we had gone through.  Even after labor was a fight.  I was in and out of consciousness with the dizziness lingering.
Even though this insane experience, there was NOT ONE time that our baby Lil was in danger. From day 1.  I thank God for this and that it was all on me only.  Even after, my doula told me my placenta was super thick! The thickest she had seen.  And extremely healthy.  God protected us all.

So recovery has been: Fun.  But I am a survivor! My life verse, Psalm 118:17 " For I will not die, but live, and will proclaim what the Lord has done" has been my rock.  It is now Lilia's verse, too.  IUD babies don't usually make it well.  There's like .005% chance of getting pregnant on an IUD, then 50% chance of miscarriage when removed.  We took the IUD out around week 8.  She pushed through that. Pushed through preeclampsia. We made it.

To make this experience even more loaded is this: The day Lil was born was Monday, June 20th at 3:59 pm.  The day of the Strawberry Moon, which happens once every 70 something years.  It signifies a time of harvest.  Matt and I are so grateful for this day.  It means so much in our lives.  To make it better, 3 weeks before we had Lil, our good friends gifted us an amazing piece of art that had a strawberry pink moon on it.  They didn't know! Lilia was also born on my Aunt's and my dear friend's birthdays, who has been like a 3rd grandma to me growing up. 

So, here I sit, with the rain, on the couch with my Lilia wrapped tight in her Solly wrap.  Holding her close, hearing her little coo's and thanking God for knowing more than I do and what is good for us. She is our gift.  Our Lil flower. I am so excited for the adventures we are going to have together. Life is amazing. 

My current song is Martina McBride's "Just around the corner" which has been on repeat for the last couple weeks of my pregnancy and also the time writing this. I will leave you with the lyrics. They held me with hope that God knew what He was doing and that the reward was Just Around the Corner. It was :) I am stronger!! With great sacrifice is great reward.  It truly was worth it. I love this Lil with all my heart. Thank God that "almost" year is over.

Onto the ADVENTURES, but YOU are our greatest Adventure.

We love you, Lilia Reese.

"Just Around The Corner"

Martina McBride

There's no good crash course
On how to win what you're fighting for
You find a little grace
When you lose your faith
And you set your sights once more

On a slow down deep breath
And the strength to take another step
And keep walking baby
Keep on walking baby

Just around the corner
The sun's a little warmer
The storm is blowing over
It's finally over
The weight that you've been holding
The faith that's been broken
Ain't broken any longer
And you'll be stronger
Just around the corner, corner
Just around the corner

It's a white flag in the air
It's the hit your knees kind a prayer
It's a you don't know, whose lifting
But you hope it's someone, somewhere
It's a reaching out kind of friend
Over and over again
It's a God send
A God send

Just around the corner
The sun's a little warmer
The storm is blowing over
It's finally over
The weight that you've been holding
The faith that's been broken
Ain't broken any longer
And you'll be stronger
Just around the corner, corner
Just around the corner

Ohh, yeah, yeah
Ohh, yeah
Ohh, yeah

A break in the clouds
Can't see it now
But it's out there
Hold your head up
One foot in front
Of the other

Just around the corner
The sun's a little warmer
The storm is blowing over
It's finally over
The weight that you've been holding
The faith that's been broken
Ain't broken any longer
And you'll be stronger
Just around the corner, corner
Just around the corner, corner

Just around the corner, corner
Just around the corner

Running with the fuel from a carefree heart.

Put some heart into it.  My heart's not into it. You've heard the lingo. 

Growth. It's inevitably in front of each of us every day and we choose if we are going to activate it. Spiritual, mental, intellectual, psychological, social, professional, recreational and physical. Yada yada yada...  We activate a growth area by putting and setting our heart into a focus.  An area we want to grow.   Can we put our heart into all these areas at once? Is it literally possible? Or must we choose a couple areas and then switch focus to when we have achieved a level we wish to bring the others up to?

Over the past almost 2 years, I have been entirely focused on development of my career.  My heart has literally been here nonstop.  It has been very hard and rewarding! But since then,  I realized now, I have not been developing the carefree, go with the flow side of me that I love so much about myself.  It's been left way behind! And I don't know how to pull it up to where I am at now in the other areas I have grown.

I have great plans for my day: to go on a nice run and just be free outside.  This will get my carefree side back! So I try.  It's been so long since I have been given this outlet in the place I love so much: my Colorado. Yes, there's been many excuses to not do it in the past couple years.  I'll admit that. But it was also an environment not conducive to the things I love to do most:  Running being one of them, and in the way I like to run! So I must admit, I have forgotten how to run from the heart.  Forgotten how to let my heart be carefree.  Is it a lost cause? Is it gone forever? No, I don't think so, but I sure don't know how to get back to it.

This is the truth about running.  When it's fueled from the heart, it is so much more than a workout.  My runner friends can relate.  With the heart behind it, it's a joy! It's stress relief.  It's an outlet for laughs, tears, basically anything.  It's my quiet place.  It's my reflection time. My time with God. The times where my feet feel free and that they are flying! I go and go and then realize I've run over 8 miles.  This is what I desire and this is what I've not kept developing through the past couple years.  My heart has been elsewhere.

Alternatively, When the heart skips out on participating on a run, it's a workout.  A hard, un-enjoyable workout.  It's when you are just looking at the watch and wishing for the couch. Every long second of that dang 3 miler.  You get the benefit of a workout, but the quality is not there.  You don't get that emotional flush; the stress relief. 

How do you run with the fuel from a carefree heart, when it's been on pause mode for so long? I am finding when you try pushing the unpause button, it feels stuck. Like a rusty button that you don't know works anymore.  Add the fact that studying and moving and adjusting has caused some excess weight, and it just isn't fun right now.  It feels like a constant, daily struggle of remembering when the body worked so well and felt so good, but it's a memory.  What you find today is someone who doesn't feel great and has put health on the back burner so the focus could be on intellectual, mental and professional achievements.

So I ask again....this balance of growth. Is it every possible to have it simultaneously activated in all areas of growth? Can you bring the others up to par with where you are in other growing?  Is this the work/life balance so many people talk about? How do you get there? How do you get the heart there?

I suppose it's simple. Like get back out there! Get after it again and just jump into the things you used to do that got you where you wanted to be.  But it is so much more complex than this.  Is it just simply believing you will be back to where your heart remembers you were at so long ago? How do get the heart involved and behind your actions again, after you are just SO done mentally from a past season of intensity?

For you, it may be something else than running.  What is the thing you wish you could put your heart behind again?  What area do you feel you need to bring up to par with other areas you've recently grown in?

For now, the only thing I can do is get back out there and hope the heart clicks in again.  I found this verse and I am praying God would change my heart to where it needs to be to experience a fullness again from the things I love!

Ezekiel 36:26

Don't Fence Me In.

Home. 

It's one of those places you just know in your heart when you are there.  There's that cliche saying that it's "Where your heart is." Well, this is true in speaking about where your emotional sense of the word "heart" is.  Definitely not all the time where your physical heart is.

Home is also where God leads you to be and takes ya. Sometimes there's detours on the way to home. That's what season I am living in right now. 

I have been thinking about this for some time now.  After I moved to the mountains, I couldn't figure out why I felt so trapped; so boxed in; so fence in.  It was such a puzzle to me because I LOVE Colorado and all it has to offer! So why was it that when I was living in the mountains, I felt smothered and like I needed to BREATHE.

So there was the mountains and the valley.

Then there was the city.  Ah, the city.

Though beautiful in it's own way, SO NOT HOME. 

This is home to me.  Where I feel most free and myself....

The "Home" pictures are some of my favorite things in this world.  So what makes them different? What makes them set apart from other beautiful areas, just in different ways? I think there are many 

pretty areas a city can offer as well.  So what in the world is wrong with me?! Why can't I feel at home wherever I am?

Well, I know now. 

There are obviously many personalities in this world.  Many different types of people.  I know my personality and what it thrives on.  So this gave some good hints :)

First, I am a free, throw your hands out the window (or roof because there's a lack of one) while driving, knots in the hair because of it blowing in the wind, sunshine, wildflowers, and freedom kind of gal.  I grew up playing with the boys in the field, building forts, catching bugs, camping out under the stars, playing in the creek, catching crawdads, mud fights, and one final important thing: looking at the mountains every day to find out what the day would bring.  

Put me where I can't see.  This is a big deal to me.  I need to see.

So, this is the underlying common factor in all the pictures representing all the places I feel are home.   Where my heart can rest and settle in.

There is space.

Space to see.  Space to run.  Space to just enjoy serenity.  I have spent so many precious moments feeling bad and being apologetic for not liking where I have landed.   I am no longer going to apologize or feel bad for not liking my area that I've tried to call home.  Though I can appreciate what it has to offer for the brief time I am there, I don't care anymore if someone doesn't like that I am not going to choose it as my home.  It's time to find that place that my heart sighs and says, "Ahhhhhhhh. Yeah! This is it!"

So, if I can't have Colorado right now, that's just fine.  It's just time to find a similar place my heart tells me is right.  I believe the place you decide to call home really shows who you are. 

I can only be somewhat of a "city" girl if I can have my escape.  My place to disappear to where everything is ok again.  Where there is serenity.  I find this in nature.  For me, being boxed in by roads and traffic and noise is not me.  I know there is much adventure in finding out what places have to offer.  I just place more weight on the nature of what God placed there, than the conveniences of what man has placed there.

The only way I can describe this search is like this.  Have you ever been looking for a puppy? Or if not a puppy, something else that means a lot to you.  Sure, I could've gone out and just gotten a dog for the sake of getting a dog.  But the search went on for some time until I found THAT dog.  The puppy who I feel like in my heart, chose me.  The one who when I saw his little face, I had the immediate thought of, "Well, shoot! I am not leaving this one behind.  He's gonna be mine." And then continued to hold him at the pet store for 4 hours until I could figure out a way to pay for him.  Yep.  That's when your heart knows. and now I have my baby.

So, it's time to find this place called home. The place that latches onto my heart when I am there.  This is the great adventure.  I know it might take sometime to get there, but I trust my heart will know when it is right. I know when God let's this detour end, it's gonna be fabulous. In the meantime, I feel truly fortunate that I can say I have lived in the country, in the mountains, in the big city, in a town, in a valley....now I am missing just one.  On the beach.  It might just be time to see if that is possible.

I'll know if my heart smiles.  When I know I'm where God wants us. Cuz we all know that a smiley heart is a good thing. :)  

The Sun Will Rise.

LOVE this song by Kelly Clarkson right now.  Working on believing the words!
Sometimes a song just says it perfectly.  

I can see the weight there in your eyes
I can feel the thorn in your side
Your knuckles are bruised from a losing fight
One way down a dead end street
Broken glass underneath your feet
You think the day won't break the sunless night
The sun will rise
The sun will rise
When you've lost your lights
The sun will rise
It'll be alright
It'll be alright
I've been in stuck in a storm before
Felt the wind raging at my door
Couldn't move, couldn't breathe, couldn't find a way out
Somehow my clouds disappeared
Somehow I made it here
Maybe just so you could hear me say
The sun will rise
The sun will rise (The sun will rise)
When you've lost your lights
The sun will rise
It'll be alright (It'll be alright)
It'll be alright
It'll be alright
It'll be alright
And though you can't see it's
So hard to believe it
Sometimes you just need a little faith (All you need is a little faith)
There's an answer to your prayer
And I swear that there'll come a day, yeah
The sun will rise
The sun will rise (The sun will rise)
The sun will rise (The sun will rise)
The sun will rise
Yeah
The sun will rise
The sun will rise
The sun will rise
It'll be alright
It'll be alright (Eeyeaheeyeah)
It'll be alright (Eeyeaheeyeah)
It'll be alright (Eeyeaheeyeah)
The sun will rise

Read more: Kelly Clarkson - The Sun Will Rise Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

Honestly, I'm not ok.

Needing to be honest and get emotion out.
I am going through such a tough time right now.  I have no friends, family, support system, church, or any social life whatsoever in this horrible place.  I absolutely hate it here.  It is one massive concrete city full of cars, traffic, and exhaust.   And weeds and trash everywhere.   I miss the coutryside where I can actually hear crickets at night and see the mountains from many views.  I miss having a LIFE.  Doing fun things.  Anything. With anyone.  I miss the days where I did not work, work, work, work, work.  These 50 + hour weeks are really getting to me and I must change it.  I don't know how.  I miss being and having a place to run.  To get away from all the chaos and just go.  There is no where here to do that.  I feel so trapped. The gyms are dirty, the roads are dirty, the streets are dirty, everything is dirty.
My profession is a helping profession where I give so much every day.  Unless you have been in this type of work, you cannot relate.  I am so drained by this and by the fact that I am dealing with so many things there on top of that, and then lack the ability to recharge at all.  I have tried everything and literally cannot get my energy back.  This place is killing me.  Draining what little bit of life I have left.  Sucking me dry.  I was not made for this.  Others are.  I am not.  I cannot escape. 

I just want. my. life. back.

I feel so incredibly stuck and cannot get out of this season. 2 years of this is too long.  I am a firm believer that if you don't like the way your life is going, change it.  I am not at the liberty to do anything.   I am beyond miserable and just want to force the hand to get me out of this!! I am SO MAD! I want out of this mess.  Get me out of this concrete psycho place.  God, please. Please. Please. The stress is so intense some days I can't even cry or feel any emotion.  I feel that I am just shriveling up and am hoping that there is still a glimmer of who I really am on the inside still preserved after all this passes. There is so much on my shoulders I feel that I might break any minute or day now. I can't keep going like this, God!!

I know that if I do not vent, I eat.  And just keep eating.  So this is my vent session to try to avoid that.  I am so beyond lonely, I can't even tell you.  Please, God.  Do something.  I am so desperate. For trying to avoid complaining, I have been silent for the most part.  I can't remain silent anymore. Most days, I go hours with no interaction with anyone.  Thank God I have my puppy.  Someone to talk to.  I am dying inside.  It feels like all I do is cry and vent. Cry and vent.  I need help and don't know where to go or who to ask.  I have never felt so desolate and so afraid that this is what the future holds permanently.  I just need something to happen.  Some relief.   I just need some relief.  Some hope. Something....anything.  Please.   Don't let me die out.  I feel so much like my light is being snuffed away.  I need You, God. Please do something! Enough is ENOUGH!!!!

The Blank Page.

So here it is.  Another blank page.  What I choose to write here creates the whole entire feel for the blog for this entry!  Oh, what to write! What to say?

Here I am.  It's 4:15 am on Thursday, October 10th.  I am very tired, but I can't sleep.  I know why.  There are so many thoughts and feelings churning around in my head that it's virtually impossible for me to get good rest right now.  I am trying, but it's very difficult.  Why? Because I'm looking out on the pages of my life.  There are many chapters, even books that are written and published.  But what is daunting now is the fact that there are many chapters wishing to be written and that remain blank pages looming out in the distant future, just begging to be written.  My heart is with these pages but is unsure how to start writing words on them.

Are these pages able to be written on?  Will I choose the right words?  Will the focus be correct?  What about work? What about starting a family?  What about focus of career?  What about placement for a fulfilling life?  Will all these words and ideas and thoughts become one amazing masterpiece that flows together with ease and creating the piece of work that is desired?

This is my life right now.  There are so many things that are looming in the distant future.   There are many things I do know.  One is that I have the MOST amazing man in my life and I would do anything for him, for us; to create the life we desire to have for our children.   We are so excited to settle and start writing on these pages!  We need some guidance from the Ultimate Author to help us form the best focus, pick the best words and ultimately set up the best possible scenerio for us in this next chapter of our lives together. 

We are very similar in the fact that we both love people.  We are free, throw your hair in the wind kinda personalities.  We need and thrive on adventure.  We need deep friendships around us.  We need a thriving church to plug into.  We need a place we are proud to call home.  We need sunshine in our face, rain puddles to jump in, snow to fall on our face, and leaves to crunch.  We need nature.  We need God's guidance no matter where we end up.  We need family around us and close enough to pop by for a quick coffee or sharing extra dinner portions.  We need more greenery around us than concrete.  We need a place where extra time is not spent sitting in traffic on a highway, but in experiencing the hidden treasures Colorado has to offer.  The list goes on, but when it comes down to it, we just need HOME. 
As we are in pursuit of home, would you please pray for us?  We desperately need God's guidance, wisdom, open doors, and favor as we settle into where He has us to be.  Our trust is that He has ultimately placed the desires in our heart we have there for a reason.   We are willing and ready, just need to know some of the thing to write down in our book.  :)

Will you ask God to help us write the next chapter of our life together and make our blank pages the best book we can all write together?  Our pens are ready to write.  Let's use up this ink...We are trusting and having faith that He's got this as we do our homework and prepare all we can for the next step of our lives together.

Jeremiah 29:11.