Prisonbreak.

This is going to be a very long blog entry. Years of thought and deliberation on this topic and I am ready to talk about it.  I am warning you...this blog may get a bit contraversal. It may be hard to hear. It may convict you of some things in your life. If you choose to embrace the temporary pain, the reward in the end is priceless.

I will do my best to explain what I have been feeling and why I make the statements I do. I feel strongly about this topic and it's time to talk about it. Now that I am finally free and out, I can in hindsight see the whole picture that is behind me.

You may not know this, but I know what it's like to be in prison. I was in prison for most of my life. I did something absolutely horrible and almost unforgiving. I came close to destroying my own life with my actions and choices. I almost self-destructed. By the grace of God, I was able to break free and turn my life around before it was too late.  I, like many others who have been convicted of a crime, knew it was wrong and chose to look the other way. I wasn't willing to give up the lifestyle and change. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but was too entraped in the system that was enabled by my surroundings, to change. I guess you could say I was comfortable being destructive.  I lived life hoping I didn't get caught and that the things I did would stay under cover.  My actions were just horrible. And like many convicted of a crime, I couldn't stop doing the crime. I just kept repeating the same old thing.  It was completely addictive.  Though I wanted to be free, it wasn't possible the way I was living life (hardly living...maybe better described as "surviving to get by" each day).

I lived in prison for 20 + years. I had let my peers teach me the destructive behavior that placed me there at an early age. The true conviction came last summer, as something finally broke. I lost two friends in the span of 24 hours. I snapped.  Life is too short to be miserable. An overused phrase, but so much truth packed into those tiny words. "Living" to get by each day is not really living. I was not enjoying life. I was absolutely miserable and unhappy and utterly sick from being in the prison I had put myself into. I needed to break out of prison. And that I did.

Oh, baby, I broke out.

And life is now amazing. I can breathe.

I'd like to say that it was just so easy and all flowers after breaking this pattern, but it was not. No way.  It takes a long time to undo patterns and habbits that you have set in your life from an early age. I will be learning how to not revert back to those old things for the rest of my life. But now that I have tasted the freedom on the outside of the prison, I will publically say that I will never go back. I just can't. I have been changed permanently and it is pretty much impossible to forget what it's like in prison.

My convicted sentence? Food addiction and compulsive overeating.
The prison location? My body.

How did I break out? I lost the weight. Changed my lifestyle. No diet for me. It was a lifechange. Finally did it. Looked at the hard facts, embraced the pain, and took the path to freedom.


How can your body become a prison?  The definition of prison, (According to Merriam-Webster Dictionary.com) is a state of confinement or captivity; a place of confinement especially for lawbreakers. So, let's apply this. What does excess weight do to a body? How about for starters, holding someone back by countless physical limitations in keeping the body from doing a million different things. Plus, you feel like crap.  When I was overweight, even the simpliest tasks were a burden. I couldn't do so many things: even simply smile because I was so unhappy with who I was. I felt like a failure. I couldn't pursue the career I desired for my life because of the shame. I allowed my body to become a place of confinement and captivity.  I was stuck inside. I was unhealthy and slowly destroying my health. Confidence was non-existant. I lived to eat, breathe and sleep. My body image was CONSTANTLY on my mind, exhausting me to the point where I couldn't focus on anything else because it had already zapped my strength. I hated myself.

Instead of taking the reins and telling my body what to do, I allowed my body to rule what I did, right down to the way I looked in pictures. That's right. I couldn't even look at myself in photos because my heart was sick. My eyes revealed this. I just didn't look myself! I could never figure out why...until I started changing.  This was becoming a very slow death. Life was not enjoyable at all and I was wasting my life.

***(Note:I agree that there is a fine line between becoming obsessed with being thin, and for the purpose of this blog, I am not talking about that. I am talking about the limitations on someone keeping them from being who God created them to be. When you are overweight, you are destroying the very person that God created. )

When you struggle with food addiction, how does it affect your life? Food addiction is defined as an unhealthy relationship, or "dis-ease," with food that a person is unable to stop or control despite the immense pain, suffering and overall harm it is causing. (http://www.livestrong.com/) Food Addiction affected me in so many ways. Below is a list of the symptoms, many of which I had.

Symptoms of Food Addiction
--Obsessed with thoughts about food
--Compulsive overeating
--The feeling of being out of control when eating
--Eating until you feel sick
--Eating to relieve worry or stress
--Overeating simply because food is there
--Feelings of guilt, shame and remorse after eating
--Hiding food so you can eat it in secret
--Eating to ease painful emotions
--Eating extremely fast
--Eating to pass the time
--Eating everything on the plate even when you are full
--Awareness that eating patterns are abnormal
--History of many unsuccessful diets
--Preoccupation with weight
--Health problems because of weight
--Going on a food binge after dieting or trying to cut back
--Lying about your eating
--Self-loathing and self-hatred because of your eating and/or weight

Let's talk about church for a minute. What are some other things that are talked about with regards to quaity of life and obedience to God? Temptations: Sexual addiction, alcohol addiction, swearing, etc. yada yada yada...We all know the list. What was not discussed at all? Temptation with food. (other than when Jesus was tempted with the bread, but that was the gist of it). You are taught to accept yourself no matter where you are in life, because God loves you just the way you are.  Don't get me wrong: I agree.  Done. However,  If we stop at that point, we give ourselves a reason to stop letting Him competlete the work He began in us.  We need to first learn how to accept that He loves us the way we are.   Next, we allow Him to convict us and deal with the sin and things we have placed before Him. (In this discussion, overeating.) Then, repent for the power we have given to food in our lives.  Then, we can experience true freedom in life apart from our self-imposed prisons.

You know what makes me mad? (actually mad is a tame word for how I feel)... the fact that I went to church and "delt" with all these temptaions and the very one that had the most power in my life and incapacitated me the most, was not discussed. It was just looked over. I had no idea what a stronghold it was in my life til recently.  I want to help others through this, also! It is time to talk about it. 

I think the reason it was not discussed was not because of ignorance, but simply because many haven't thought about it. Or possibly because as Christians you're not supposed to judge how someone looks, right? I mean, how would that poor person feel if you talked about overeating and they got offended! Lemme tell ya..It would have been nice for someone to bring up the obvious when I was overweight and help me through it. It sucked feeling alone through it for so long. I knew I was overweight. I knew others knew. I just wanted some help.

Why should we even care about the quality of our lives? God created us for a purpose. He gave us dreams, desires and gifts to share with others to better their lives, to make the world a better place, and to reach those who are hurting. If we aren't in a state of wellbeing, how can we help others? Simply put: we can't.

I have a hard time hearing people ask for prayer for many different ailements that are directly caused by their weight, and then they are upset when God doesn't heal them and they continue to deal with the same issues for years and years.  They accept it as their lot in life.  Maybe the healing is coming in a form that is not expected: learning how to take care of your body and use the tools He has placed in front of you.  If you are willing to look at your life HONESTLY, much good can come from it. I have never heard anyone say they regret losing the weight. Never.

***(Note: If you are overweight and it doesn't affect your life and you are happy with where you are, GREAT! That's really awesome. :) You are in the minority.  And if you aren't overweight, I commend you for that, too.)

Simply put: overeating is a sin. Think about women's first temptation. It was with food. The fruit from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Eve was tempted to eat it when she knew she wasn't supposed to (Genesis 2-3). Could this be why women are constanly dealing with temptation with food? Eve passed this temptation to Adam. I believe this is one of the reasons that food is such a tool used for imprisionment in the world today in both women and men alike. Notice that the woman was first to deal with it. I believe that Satan uses the temptation with food to keep us down. If we aren't able to be ourselves and can't even MOVE, then we can't handle the call of God on our lives.

This being said, I do not think that everyone is tempted with food. Everyone has their weakness, and for me, it was food.  This is simply my story and if you can relate, that's great.
God warns us many many many times about the effects of a lack of self-control. If you read through the Ten Commandments, you will find that overeating is talked about. What? Yes, seriously.  How about numero uno: No other gods before Him. Placing anything in front of God in your life is assigning a god to an object or idea. Food can be a god. You can worship food. When you give food power over your life and allow it to define who you are and who you will be, it is making it a god.

Why is it we are so ready to apply this self-control lesson to every other area in our lives, but the second it comes up about overeating and taking care of ourselves, we turn the other way and refuse to look at it. We think we are ok. Just a little overweight, right? It's harmless. Not affecting me at all. Hmm...is it? Are we really aware of how many hours each day we spend thinking about it: "How do I look in this...oh gosh, it makes me look fat." How about admitting that you are fat, and it's not the jeans, and it's time to change that. I had to look at real, hard facts in my life and see how I was choosing death by eating the foods I ate.

Where I am at now in life:  It is honestly amazing to be in a place where I am proud of the food that I put into my body because it is quality, good and wholesome food. It is now a fuel, not a drug.  I choose to put the good stuff in, not because I am super disciplined, but because I know now that I am worth it. I am worth taking care of. I love who I am and who God created me to be and because of that, I want to be better. I want to take care of the gift of life He has given me. I want my entire being to reflect Him. Not just my mouth when I talk about what I believe. I believe that by honoring my body and what goes into it and how I keep it in tip-top shape, that is a form of worship. I am honoring the creation God entrusted me with.  Therefore, I am worshiping Him with my lifestyle.

Carpe Diem. It's Monday. :)

The Expedition of Leaping.

I am scared. There, I said it. I am about to start studying for a certain certification.  I have alot of books to study and although I am excited, I am also very scared. This is unknown territory for me. I have taken tests before with other organizations and failed. Will I fail yet again? What makes this time around different in the fact that I will be successful?

I guess that's what makes life so exciting and fun. Overcoming challenges that pose as hurdles to your dreams. I know I CAN do this, it's just a matter of actually getting it done. Can I depend on myself enough to accomplish this success? I think I can, but I guess now it's just time to prove to myself I can.

I just got back from Europe. On every stinkin' vacation I've ever been on, I have gained weight, even if it's just a couple pounds. Well, this time around, I lost 3 lbs! This was huge for me. Like jumping over that weight hurdle and smashing the expectations I have let others put on me over the course of my lifetime. I stood up and said a bold "NO" to those things and accomplished my goal. I now weigh 144 lbs. Last fall, I weighed 155. That is awesome. Nothing can stand in my way anymore. I will accomplish what I set my mind to do. My goal weight for so very long has been 145 and I blew it out of the water. I knew what to do, but I just had to take a stand and declare that I was worth the temporary sacrifices I had to make. Like an investment in my future. I am so happy. I crushed the vacation expectation that you are meant to give up the discipline and eat whatever you wanna on vacation. No. I have worked way too hard for letting this go. So I stayed tough and accomplished 3 lbs. Makes me smile. Really, what I did was leap over that vacation weight crap. It's over. No more grip on my life. So, now gonna try for 4 more lbs...

Can I apply this same thing to studying and ultimately passing this exam? I hope so. I know I can to a certain point. From here, it's just a matter of doing it. How do I do this?

For so long, I thought I just needed to jump the hurdles. Just get enough strength to jump high enough to clear it. Then I'd "strength train" my emotions, etc. and land in the same exact place. Why? Because I was never changing where I'd land. Constantly limiting myself to what I thought I could accomplish. You can be strong enough to leap, but if you don't know you're meant for leaping and continue to jump your whole life, you waste away precious time and energy and never get anywhere. I have learned that you have to train yourself for leaping. Leaping is a scary thing and something that is not a natural impulse unless you have a reason to do so. Think about it...usually leaping is over something like a creek or something like that. Not something we have put in our way intentionally, and usually something that can be avoided b/c it's uncomfortable to attempt. Isn't it easier to just walk alongside a creek and try to find another way around it, then to actually leap over it and risk falling in and getting wet? I use this just a symbol. Think about applying it to life's challenges. I have recently given myself my own "creek" if you will. My dreams and desires in the form of what I want to do with my life. It has reached a point where if I don't learn how to leap, I will never get where I want to be going. I will just keep walking alongside the familiar stuff and never get to where I was created to lead.

I am now determined to leap. I wanna know what it's like to be landing in an entirely different location in my life.  Jumping is a vertical motion, while leaping is going enough distance (from one point to another) that you completly clear the hurdle that lies in your path and give yourself the ultimate chance for success. Once you leap, there's usually no going back to the point you were at before.  Sure, you'll land in unknown territory, but that's what's exciting.

So lemme rephrase this fear thing. I guess what I am scared of is the unknown territories that my life is meant to land on.  I have never been there! I guess if you think of it this way, life is a bit like a Louis and Clark Expedition. They knew there was something out there that was worth finding and exploring. They didn't know what exactly they were getting into, but because they took the leap and explored the dreams and desires they had in their hearts, and what came naturally to them, they accomplished much, including what they were created to do.

I am ready for my expedition. This is the beginning of a new thing. I hope the point I was trying to make came across clearly. I challenge you to leap, not just merely jump, through life.
So let's crack open the books and allons-y.

The beginning.

Well, I'd like to say this is my first blog. It's not. I have "blogged" for many years, just depening on where you've been, you may or may not have read them. So why this site now? I am wanting to, I guess, document the changes I am and have been going through. Not much of a journal girl. Like the design and computer elements of stuff too much. So that's why. So here we go. Don't really even think that anyone will read these, nor do I even care. I guess if it just simply gets my thoughts out, then I consider that a success. If someone happens to read them and it helps inspire, or make them think, then that's a bonus. Really, this is just a place to be myself without anyone posing restrictions on me. Allons-y (Let's go, in French).