Needing to be honest and get emotion out.
I am going through such a tough time right now. I have no friends, family, support system, church, or any social life whatsoever in this horrible place. I absolutely hate it here. It is one massive concrete city full of cars, traffic, and exhaust. And weeds and trash everywhere. I miss the coutryside where I can actually hear crickets at night and see the mountains from many views. I miss having a LIFE. Doing fun things. Anything. With anyone. I miss the days where I did not work, work, work, work, work. These 50 + hour weeks are really getting to me and I must change it. I don't know how. I miss being and having a place to run. To get away from all the chaos and just go. There is no where here to do that. I feel so trapped. The gyms are dirty, the roads are dirty, the streets are dirty, everything is dirty.
My profession is a helping profession where I give so much every day. Unless you have been in this type of work, you cannot relate. I am so drained by this and by the fact that I am dealing with so many things there on top of that, and then lack the ability to recharge at all. I have tried everything and literally cannot get my energy back. This place is killing me. Draining what little bit of life I have left. Sucking me dry. I was not made for this. Others are. I am not. I cannot escape.
I just want. my. life. back.
I feel so incredibly stuck and cannot get out of this season. 2 years of this is too long. I am a firm believer that if you don't like the way your life is going, change it. I am not at the liberty to do anything. I am beyond miserable and just want to force the hand to get me out of this!! I am SO MAD! I want out of this mess. Get me out of this concrete psycho place. God, please. Please. Please. The stress is so intense some days I can't even cry or feel any emotion. I feel that I am just shriveling up and am hoping that there is still a glimmer of who I really am on the inside still preserved after all this passes. There is so much on my shoulders I feel that I might break any minute or day now. I can't keep going like this, God!!
I know that if I do not vent, I eat. And just keep eating. So this is my vent session to try to avoid that. I am so beyond lonely, I can't even tell you. Please, God. Do something. I am so desperate. For trying to avoid complaining, I have been silent for the most part. I can't remain silent anymore. Most days, I go hours with no interaction with anyone. Thank God I have my puppy. Someone to talk to. I am dying inside. It feels like all I do is cry and vent. Cry and vent. I need help and don't know where to go or who to ask. I have never felt so desolate and so afraid that this is what the future holds permanently. I just need something to happen. Some relief. I just need some relief. Some hope. Something....anything. Please. Don't let me die out. I feel so much like my light is being snuffed away. I need You, God. Please do something! Enough is ENOUGH!!!!
