Eeyore.

Today has just been one of those days. I know we all get 'em once in a while, but I'm always surprised when they come around for me. I guess it's b/c I forget what they are like b/c they are so few and far between.  You know those days? When no matter what you do, it's just like Eeyore switched places with the normally happy-go-lucky you? 

Just one of those horrible, icky, lonely days.  The house went under contract late last night after my feeble attempt to salvage it for renting with my friends.  Wouldn't have worked anyway, but I think it was me trying to cling to the past a lil bit.  So today, I was bombarded with many feelings that I just plain and simple did not expect.  The biggest one was lonliness.   It got me to thinkin'...why does lonliness happen to us, every single one of us?!

Hmm...let's SO go there.

So here's what I have come up with.  You know after a couple days or weeks in which you just eat/drink crud and then you feel weighed down and icky, no energy, etc?  You want to feel good again and don't quite know how to get back there.  I have found if I listen to my body, it naturally adjusts and craves the things that will be best for it to get my eating back on track...you know...all the great stuff....fruits/veggies, lean protein, whole grains, etc.  Then I feel the urge to workout again and get my booty movin'!   When you allow yourself to go through that cleansing time, you end up stronger in the end and have reset your palate for the good and beneficial things for your body's health.

What if God allows lonliness in us to reset us and allow our spiritual palate to readjust? If we only know our emotions to be hunky dory, we never get that really important time to see our need for Him in our day.  Today, that's what happened for me.  He was the only one around and I asked Him about it.

I had this thought:  In our insecurities, we automatically think that it's us and that the people around us just don't care or don't wanna see how we are doing. While this may be true sometimes, I think it's actually this...I think that God allows others to leave us alone so to speak, for a bit, so we can cleanse out all the junk we have allowed to build up in our walk with Him.  When it's just me and Him, He can take care of all that and cleanse me to where I have a fresh start in my walk with Him.  Instead of the insecurities, He challenged me to think of it this way:  He caused the "alone time" so He could spend it with me.  Like a mandatory cleanse, if I choose to accept.  I know I'll feel alot better tomorrow, but wowie, today was a tough one. 

So there's my thoughts on this ol' blog for the night. Gonna crash early. Really pretty eager to reset this day and start out the Friday in front of me.  Time to investigate those insides of my eyelids for a bit longer than usual tonight.  Sleep tight, friends.

Oh, but it hurts so good...!

I got to thinking this morning while I was at the gym....some of the days you least feel like working out are the most important days you need to.  Granted, there are days when you need to listen to your body and take that break, but when I am just not "feeling" it, and then I go and workout, I have never had a time after those when I wished I hadn't gone.  In fact, in many ways, it can be the best workout I've had in a long time. Hence, my 24:30 5k this morning.  Why? Hmm...got me thinking about it a bit.

When we are forced to look our life in the eyes, like an honest to goodness stare straight through the heart of the matter, we can really see things for the way they are and learn much.  In life, we are kinda taught from day one that if we aren't feeling good about a situation, to back off from it and make yourself feel better by removing the pressure or stress that you are going through.  This is opposite from what we are supposed to be doing! How in the world will you grow if you aren't allowing yourself to walk through the tough stuff? It's kinda like this...if I know I have a project or deadline coming up, and  I just sit there and stare at the edge of the matter without diving into it, it is actually worse than it ends up being simply because I am fearing the unknown.  Once I delve into it, and get going on it, it's a learning experience and a time of great growth!  And I have found myself actually enjoying the project because I'm growing and accomplishing much.

So here I sit. Staring my life honestly in the eyes.  What is it I want for my life? Why is rebuilding and starting at a different start line from where I thought I'd be right now, so difficult? I have figured out why. 

It's the unknown. We are taught that discomfort is not good for us and that the unknown is ONLY scary. Rebuilding a life...  rebuilding is painful! When you build up your muscles, oh it hurts, baby!  ...But it's a good pain. :) Anyone who has ever pushed through lifting weights or training knows this truth.  I know what's coming, but know it's good for me.  Good for those involved. Like a shakeup or switch-a-roo to the normal weights routine so my muscles can get stronger.

The unknown is now my adventure.  An adventure of my lifetime. No, I do not know what my future holds...but we never know what it holds, anyway!  We just think we do when we settle into our life and get comfortable.  God has promised to give me a future and a hope.  I am now holding both of those truths in my hands.  I get it.  He truly doesn't give us any more than we can handle.  So that is why in the most difficult time in my almost 30 years of life, I smile.  It's like when you're doing that dreaded final push through the last few reps of your squats...hurts so bad, feel the muscles shaking...

But I was made for this. I was made to thrive. To thrive in any situation I am placed into.  There's a smile on my face because I'm being pushed to the next level.  Today, I'm on the treadmill (it's cold outside!) running, well, sprinting at the end. Hurts so badly!!! But I'm smiling. I click in, and glare at the wall. I will beat you.  You will not beat me.   I will seize this opportunity and make it mine.  I will be able to do what is next because of the building today, in this moment.  And I kicked that treadmill's butt.  And the pain didn't last forever like I thought it would.  My muscles were capable of much more than I thought they were; but I wouldn't have know that unless I chose to push them and push through it.  You don't know what you are capable of unless you choose to dare to embrace the pain.

This is my life and this is your life.  You seriously get this one amazing shot at this day, at this week, month, year, etc.  You will never again have the opportunities you have today.  What is it that God is teaching you through it all... today?  Have you chosen to push through the lesson and get stronger or step back, on the edge of the greatness for your life, the breakthrough you have been wanting, and be fearful of the unknown? You were made to push through it.

You know,  instead of seeing it as my unknown, I am now seeing it as an opportunity for the dreams I have had in my heart to find a place to land in reality.  When I push into the unknown, I am providing a place for those dreams to be planted in real life and grow.  Gettin' thru the tough stuff, those dreams get water and sunlight.  And one day, they will bloom, bear fruit and flurish.  I will leave you with my favorite quote...

"Life is not a a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming: "WOW!! What a ride!" - Dean Karnazes

Springy time!

Goodness me, how it feels like spring to me! It just feels like the weather is changing already, even tho it's just now January! Yeah! New year. This is gonna be a good one. Why? B/c I won't have it any other way.
Hmmmm....maybe because it's changing in my life from winter to spring, thus feeling like it's changing already outside. 

I am ready. So ready.

Leaving the past behind, I'm ready for a fresh, new season in my life and embrace all life has to offer me.  Ready for many firsts in my life, and also some repeats done right after many lessons learned. 

Cannot wait. 

I have so many things I want to do: laugh, hang, smile, write, run, read, travel, dream big visions...live them out, and love. The list continues.   Been so busy, it's just weighing on me and making me panic a lil bit. Must take time for rest.  It's ok... I just keep reminding myself baby steps (Like in "What About Bob..." haha!)  One thing at a time, and one day at a time, and sometimes one minute at a time. But...

I am ready.  I know that I am. 

For now, I'll choose to be content to occasionally delve into them, even if it's just for a brief instant.  Tomorrow is my day off. Time to take some time for me.  For now, I'm just enjoying seeing that glimmer of hope in my eyes and the smile workin' on my lips, again. :)

Pig Kicking.

Well, hi there 2012! :)

"There's a new wind blowing like I've never known
I'm breathing deeper than I've ever done
And it sure feels good to finally feel the way I do..." -Keith Urban

I am so ready for a fresh start and a different year.  So much has been going on in my life.  I am ready for a break, but it's crazy how God still moves in the midst of really tough stuff.  And you know, sometimes you just don't get that break you need til later. I believe God knows you can only learn some stuff under pressures that aren't normally in your life.   Haha, my goodness, I am sure learning!! Learning so much. I wouldn't trade this past year for anything. Seriously.  The things I have learned are so life altering and priceless.  I am just so thankful.  It's one thing to be told a lesson...when you walk through it yourself, it's life altering.

2011 can be summed up like this for me:   Growth and devestation.  There is much to be said, but that will wait til later.  What I will say is that for many years, I chose to ignore very important things that were needing attention in my life.  You finally hit a point in your life when you either deal with it, or it will destroy you and all those involved.  Choosing to deal with it...t's been very hard to do...  endless supply of tears mixed with black circles under the eyes from no sleep, screaming in the car while driving and then that tiny itty bitty smile, repeat....yeah its been really fun.  But I know that it's coming to a close and that I am gonna feel the sunshine in my life again.  What have I learned? To name a couple...

1.  Never, for any reason, keep the truth about how you are feeling about a situation inside.  Wait for the right timing to find a way to tactfully let someone know what you're going through...but for goodness sake, get it in the open.   If you keep it quiet, self-destruction will be most certain. Saying everything on your heart may not be the best thing, tho. Good balance is key.

2.  Learn from your mistakes.  Choose to grow from them no matter what it takes.  Sometimes you will have to apologize for things that you didn't mean to do.  Suck it up and apologize. And sometimes you will have to dig deep to find out how to grow. No matter what, make growth the only option.

3.  Love with a smile on your face and don't be afraid to let everyone know who is yours.  It is ok to be affectionate with the person you love.  It is ok to treat them amazing. It is ok.

4.  No matter what, do not speak badly of anyone else you are going through a rough time with.  Friend or whoever.  It's just not worth it and they deserve that respect from you.

5.  When having a bad day, make sure to have a pig around to kick.  It's been said that when you kick a pig on a bad day, it turns the day around.  In my case, I am now the proud owner of a stuffed pig, but nevertheless, it has had its share of kicks, even if only with a barefoot toe.  (He's just too cute to kick more than that)...

6.  Find your stress outlet.  Mine is running.  There are so many miles out there on the open road that have collected my tears, my anger, my smiles and my dancing. (Yes, it is possible to do a couple dance moves while running...my apologies to the passing cars...) I guess I must also apologize quickly for the singing done while running, too.  I tend to belt it out with my ipod and forget there could be passer-bys. Sorry! ( But not really :) )

7.  Never allow anything to come between you and God.  He is there for you. No matter what. He understands more than we think.  He really does show us what to do, but also won't force us in one direction or another.  I understand Him so much more now...

8.  Sometimes you have to walk through all the things you don't want for your life to figure out the things you do want.  (Thanks, Christine :) ) And there are many people in your life. Each one has a reason...some are meant to pass through briefly, and others are meant to stick.  Recognize each of these and let what's naturally supposed to happen, happen. 

9.  I really really like to laugh. Like alot.  It means the world to me. It's part of who I am.  For so many years, I have not lived being "me." Gotta make up some time... so, yeah, gonna figure out how to get more of that in my life, even if I have to laugh alone, then I will. :)

10.  If you aren't happy with your life, you can change it.  This is your life and by golly!  It's supposed to be amazing!! You've got this one shot at it...if something isn't right, get on that.  Good and bad, these are the experiences that make life worth living.  You cannot appreciate the sunshine until you have walked in the bitter cold of the winter. 

Shine, on, friends. I appreciate each one of you.  Live on, buddy! :)  I'm sure I will write more of these down here in a bit.  Live your amazing life.