Needing to be honest and get emotion out.
I am going through such a tough time right now. I have no friends, family, support system, church, or any social life whatsoever in this horrible place. I absolutely hate it here. It is one massive concrete city full of cars, traffic, and exhaust. And weeds and trash everywhere. I miss the coutryside where I can actually hear crickets at night and see the mountains from many views. I miss having a LIFE. Doing fun things. Anything. With anyone. I miss the days where I did not work, work, work, work, work. These 50 + hour weeks are really getting to me and I must change it. I don't know how. I miss being and having a place to run. To get away from all the chaos and just go. There is no where here to do that. I feel so trapped. The gyms are dirty, the roads are dirty, the streets are dirty, everything is dirty.
My profession is a helping profession where I give so much every day. Unless you have been in this type of work, you cannot relate. I am so drained by this and by the fact that I am dealing with so many things there on top of that, and then lack the ability to recharge at all. I have tried everything and literally cannot get my energy back. This place is killing me. Draining what little bit of life I have left. Sucking me dry. I was not made for this. Others are. I am not. I cannot escape.
I just want. my. life. back.
I feel so incredibly stuck and cannot get out of this season. 2 years of this is too long. I am a firm believer that if you don't like the way your life is going, change it. I am not at the liberty to do anything. I am beyond miserable and just want to force the hand to get me out of this!! I am SO MAD! I want out of this mess. Get me out of this concrete psycho place. God, please. Please. Please. The stress is so intense some days I can't even cry or feel any emotion. I feel that I am just shriveling up and am hoping that there is still a glimmer of who I really am on the inside still preserved after all this passes. There is so much on my shoulders I feel that I might break any minute or day now. I can't keep going like this, God!!
I know that if I do not vent, I eat. And just keep eating. So this is my vent session to try to avoid that. I am so beyond lonely, I can't even tell you. Please, God. Do something. I am so desperate. For trying to avoid complaining, I have been silent for the most part. I can't remain silent anymore. Most days, I go hours with no interaction with anyone. Thank God I have my puppy. Someone to talk to. I am dying inside. It feels like all I do is cry and vent. Cry and vent. I need help and don't know where to go or who to ask. I have never felt so desolate and so afraid that this is what the future holds permanently. I just need something to happen. Some relief. I just need some relief. Some hope. Something....anything. Please. Don't let me die out. I feel so much like my light is being snuffed away. I need You, God. Please do something! Enough is ENOUGH!!!!
Saturday, November 16, 2013
Thursday, October 10, 2013
The Blank Page.
So here it is. Another blank page. What I choose to write here creates the whole entire feel for the blog for this entry! Oh, what to write! What to say?
Here I am. It's 4:15 am on Thursday, October 10th. I am very tired, but I can't sleep. I know why. There are so many thoughts and feelings churning around in my head that it's virtually impossible for me to get good rest right now. I am trying, but it's very difficult. Why? Because I'm looking out on the pages of my life. There are many chapters, even books that are written and published. But what is daunting now is the fact that there are many chapters wishing to be written and that remain blank pages looming out in the distant future, just begging to be written. My heart is with these pages but is unsure how to start writing words on them.
Are these pages able to be written on? Will I choose the right words? Will the focus be correct? What about work? What about starting a family? What about focus of career? What about placement for a fulfilling life? Will all these words and ideas and thoughts become one amazing masterpiece that flows together with ease and creating the piece of work that is desired?
This is my life right now. There are so many things that are looming in the distant future. There are many things I do know. One is that I have the MOST amazing man in my life and I would do anything for him, for us; to create the life we desire to have for our children. We are so excited to settle and start writing on these pages! We need some guidance from the Ultimate Author to help us form the best focus, pick the best words and ultimately set up the best possible scenerio for us in this next chapter of our lives together.
We are very similar in the fact that we both love people. We are free, throw your hair in the wind kinda personalities. We need and thrive on adventure. We need deep friendships around us. We need a thriving church to plug into. We need a place we are proud to call home. We need sunshine in our face, rain puddles to jump in, snow to fall on our face, and leaves to crunch. We need nature. We need God's guidance no matter where we end up. We need family around us and close enough to pop by for a quick coffee or sharing extra dinner portions. We need more greenery around us than concrete. We need a place where extra time is not spent sitting in traffic on a highway, but in experiencing the hidden treasures Colorado has to offer. The list goes on, but when it comes down to it, we just need HOME.
As we are in pursuit of home, would you please pray for us? We desperately need God's guidance, wisdom, open doors, and favor as we settle into where He has us to be. Our trust is that He has ultimately placed the desires in our heart we have there for a reason. We are willing and ready, just need to know some of the thing to write down in our book. :)
Will you ask God to help us write the next chapter of our life together and make our blank pages the best book we can all write together? Our pens are ready to write. Let's use up this ink...We are trusting and having faith that He's got this as we do our homework and prepare all we can for the next step of our lives together.
Jeremiah 29:11.
Here I am. It's 4:15 am on Thursday, October 10th. I am very tired, but I can't sleep. I know why. There are so many thoughts and feelings churning around in my head that it's virtually impossible for me to get good rest right now. I am trying, but it's very difficult. Why? Because I'm looking out on the pages of my life. There are many chapters, even books that are written and published. But what is daunting now is the fact that there are many chapters wishing to be written and that remain blank pages looming out in the distant future, just begging to be written. My heart is with these pages but is unsure how to start writing words on them.
Are these pages able to be written on? Will I choose the right words? Will the focus be correct? What about work? What about starting a family? What about focus of career? What about placement for a fulfilling life? Will all these words and ideas and thoughts become one amazing masterpiece that flows together with ease and creating the piece of work that is desired?
This is my life right now. There are so many things that are looming in the distant future. There are many things I do know. One is that I have the MOST amazing man in my life and I would do anything for him, for us; to create the life we desire to have for our children. We are so excited to settle and start writing on these pages! We need some guidance from the Ultimate Author to help us form the best focus, pick the best words and ultimately set up the best possible scenerio for us in this next chapter of our lives together.
We are very similar in the fact that we both love people. We are free, throw your hair in the wind kinda personalities. We need and thrive on adventure. We need deep friendships around us. We need a thriving church to plug into. We need a place we are proud to call home. We need sunshine in our face, rain puddles to jump in, snow to fall on our face, and leaves to crunch. We need nature. We need God's guidance no matter where we end up. We need family around us and close enough to pop by for a quick coffee or sharing extra dinner portions. We need more greenery around us than concrete. We need a place where extra time is not spent sitting in traffic on a highway, but in experiencing the hidden treasures Colorado has to offer. The list goes on, but when it comes down to it, we just need HOME.
As we are in pursuit of home, would you please pray for us? We desperately need God's guidance, wisdom, open doors, and favor as we settle into where He has us to be. Our trust is that He has ultimately placed the desires in our heart we have there for a reason. We are willing and ready, just need to know some of the thing to write down in our book. :)
Will you ask God to help us write the next chapter of our life together and make our blank pages the best book we can all write together? Our pens are ready to write. Let's use up this ink...We are trusting and having faith that He's got this as we do our homework and prepare all we can for the next step of our lives together.
Jeremiah 29:11.
Sunday, August 18, 2013
R&R for those lil adrenals.
Oiy! Really? Is this really happening to me? Yep. It is. I think back and the warnings signs my body was giving me for YEARS were loud and clear. I only had no idea what in the world was going wrong. Now that I do, I can be grateful that it was caught when it was and not too late.
Oh, Adrenal Fatigue. What are you really? Peeps keep asking me about it, so I thought I'd write it out. I hope it helps you having all this info in one compact place.
Adrenal Fatigue....It's a horrible thing! Pretty much, in Sarah terms, your adrenals are over stressed by producing a stress relieving hormone, Cortisol (ironic, isn't it?) into the body. Too much cortisol means extra fat storage in the stomach, glutes and thighs. Unexplained weight gain with nothing changed in diet? Yep. You might wanna take a looksie loo at your adrenals and cortisol levels.
I pretty much self-diagnosed myself through lots of research this past winter. I had my "mental breakdown" sometime this winter and remember going through a pretty serious panic attack of not being able to handle the stress I was under. First BIG warning sign. My body had stopped being able to be effecient in making the proper level of cortisol to meet the stress levels I was under. I remember not feeling good AT ALL and just feeling like I was trudging through each day in a fog. The confirmation came through my hormone test results I got a month back. Summed up all my suspicions.
Here's some of the signs and symptoms I was walking through on a daily basis:
*Carb and sugar cravings which were off the charts!
*Not sleeping at all. Normal to toss through the entire night. "Waking up" exhausted which really just meant I was rolling out of bed for work at 445 am pretty consistently. I had already been awake most of the night.
*Crashing soon after my coffee wore off around 10 am for the rest of the day, until of course, waking up and having a ton of energy after it was time for bed around 10 pm.
*Hair loss
*Skin and face lacking color; black circles under eyes no matter the night I did happen to get rest.
*No energy whatsoever to workout in any capacity. Knowing I should do it, but never getting to do it b/c too exhausted. The very thought of working out made me cringe b/c I was so tired.
*Heavy reliance on caffeine and stimulants
*Water retention that would never disappear.
*Weight gain. Weight gain. Weight gain!
*Elevated heart rate for no particular reason.
*Inability to deal with any stress whatsoever.
*Mild depression and wanting to give up things I used to love doing.
*Not feeling myself at all and not knowing what to do to fix it.
Oh, the list can go on and on. I have never felt as sick as I did this past winter. I contributed it to just high stress at work (which was there), but now looking back, realize it was really a combo of the environment, hours, and whole set up of the past year that really all acted together to push me over the adrenal fatigue cliff, so to speak.
What I've learned:
Those lil adrenal glands need rest. I came out of a very couple stressful years. They were going strong for so long they finally just ran out of juice. It's time to get them back to a normal state of operating. How?
I am stealing the following from a websearch. It really is the best description I've found so far about how to get started on this path to healing.
Reversing the effects of adrenal fatigue requires time and concerted effort (something I'm learning more and more each day). Depending on the severity of one's condition, it can take anywhere from a few months to a few years to reverse the damage from adrenal fatigue. Lifestyle modifications are key to the healing process.
- omit all stimulants: including sugar, caffeine, chocolate, alcohol.
- rest: aim for 8 hours of sleep each night, including going to sleep at the same time at night and taking short rests throughout the day; the adrenals need rest particularly between 11pm and 1am.
- light to moderate physical activity: this one has been difficult for me to get used to, I'm used to running and taking hot yoga classes. But right now, those practices are detrimental to the healing process. So, I'm taking light one hour walks most days, with yoga every other day. Some days are better than others, and I feel energized on my walks, but others require more effort. If I'm too tired, I simply don't do the exercise that day and rest instead.
- follow a whole food, low sugar diet: one that is high in protein, Vitamin C foods (although I am currently not doing citrus), whole grains, and vegetables (see more below).
- timing meals: have a protein rich breakfast before 10 am, followed by a snack, eat lunch between 11-12pm, followed by another snack, eat dinner between 5-6pm, with a potential snack before bedtime. This helps to keep consistent blood sugar levels and places less stress on the adrenals.
- lifestyle changes: modify lifestyle choices to reduce the amount of stress in your life.
- do things you enjoy: depending on the stage of adrenal fatigue, one can become apathetic towards life. Make sure to do the things you enjoy, smile, and laugh, knowing that you will feel better.
So all this being said, I think the biggest thing I've learned is you cannot keep pushing your body to the limit. It will eventually push back and say ENOUGH! I learned this the past summer. It's ok to rest. It's ok to workout doing some light things. Heck, at least that would be consistent for me! I used to workout so much more and hard too. Time to get the routine back, but with different expectations. I have decided to not feel bad anymore about taking some restful time, all the time. It's really all I know to do to get back to normal. Sure, I might be in bed earlier than later now, but it's all taking care of me. I know I do not want to feel as sick as I felt this past winter. In order to avoid this, I have to make some changes and this is one of them. I had to give up my half marathon and Wild West Relay, which was hard, but so glad I did. The eating has changed quite a bit, too.
Foods to avoid when treating Adrenal Fatigue:
*Potassium rich foods: no bananas, coconut water or dried fruits.
*Sugar and refined carbs.
*High sugar fruits. Avoid oranges as they are too stimulating.
*CAFFEINE. Any stimulants. Avoid chocolate. Energy Drinks.
Foods to add in to help treat those Adrenals:
*Whole grains in moderation.
*Berries and low sugar fruits like apples.
*Vegetables: the darker the better - dark, leafy, bitter greens, cruciferous vegetables, the more the merrier. I feel I need to eat more veggies, whether raw or cooked, and would like to reduce my fruit consumption as a result; aim for 6-8 servings per day. Dark leafy greens and veggies. Lots of 'em! Dim is really good for you, too. Helps flush out the xenoestrogens that we get from all the bad stuff in our diet, and processed foods, meat/dairy that is not hormone free, plastics in the microwave, etc.
*A lot of good proteins!
*Good multivitamin, EFA's rich in Omega 3/6/9s, trace minerals, probiotics, Vitamin D, Cal/mag, etc. Pretty much give your body the best environment to get better.
SLEEP. Be in bed by 10:30 pm every night at the latest. Try to get at least 8 hours of sleep and sleep as late as you can (sleeping, not snoozing). I might have to start getting into bed by 9 pm if I'm gonna get my workouts in the morning before work.
I wouldn't wish this on anyone at all. I hope tho, that by speaking up about it, if you have been experiencing these things, this gives you hope that you are not going crazy! You can feel better and start the road to recovery. Remember, you did this to yourself without knowing in many cases, but it's time to change it around. It takes being wiling to change your environment and make sure you are in a place where you can recover. If you've gone through this, please share what's worked for you as well! I would like to add to the healing process. :)
I think the biggest thing I've been learning is how important it is to give my body the environment for rest and recovery. I am not feeling badly any more about not being out doing things at all crazy hours of the day/night or not having the energy to do what I used to once do. I am now embracing the healing process as important as training for a race. It all goes hand in hand. I think the biggest thing I'd like to pass on to others is that although you may have never been here, don't judge those who are! It is a very serious condition as if you leave it unattended, your health can be in serious risk. Our world sees it as a normal thing that goes on because we are taught that unless we are burning the candle at both ends, we are not working hard enough in life. Think how common "mid life crisis's" are and how many times people complain of being tired all the time. I'll leave you with another blurb from the search I came across b/c I think it summarizes the whole thing fully:
The Path of Recovery
I cannot stress this enough: adrenal fatigue is a serious condition, although it can often go unaddressed and is not widely recognized by Western medicine. In our society, 'burning the candle at both ends' and pushing ourselves beyond our means is, unfortunately, a cultural norm. Progress is in opposition to rest and relaxation, and those who take time to relax are more often than not viewed as lazy or self-indulgent.
From my research, I've determined that adrenal fatigue is a condition which, ironically, has the potential to empower one to take their health back into their own hands by re-evaluating their lifestyle, life choices, daily habits, and making way to practice extreme self-care.
Learning that I deserve rest and relaxation has been a valuable life lesson. For as long as I can remember, I have been prone to over-extending myself beyond my limits and this adrenal fatigue has been a big wake up call to make changes in my life. I've started to recognize these patterns and their roots, which has sparked this period of healing.
For me, adrenal fatigue has been a positive catalyst for me to do some much needed 'inner work' and healing. Rather than running away from these issues, I've had to heal them. Learning to 'do nothing', 'achieve nothing' and simply 'be' has been quite the challenge for me; especially when exercise has always been a great energy release for me. Also, I've started to question 'who I am' apart from the achievements and accomplishments, accepting myself without those attachments.
If you or someone you know is experiencing adrenal fatigue, give them or yourself the permission to rest, heal, and be. Things will improve with time and patience, and taking the proper steps necessary to good health, wellness, and balance. Remember that everyone has different constitutions, so conduct your own research and ask questions with a natural health practitioner.
Despite the negative effects of adrenal fatigue, I am so grateful for the experience. What a valuable life and learning lesson this has been. You can still have a zest and fire for life with balance.
~http://www.barefootandfrolicking.com/2013/05/healing-adrenal-fatigue-naturally-my.html
Oh, Adrenal Fatigue. What are you really? Peeps keep asking me about it, so I thought I'd write it out. I hope it helps you having all this info in one compact place.
Adrenal Fatigue....It's a horrible thing! Pretty much, in Sarah terms, your adrenals are over stressed by producing a stress relieving hormone, Cortisol (ironic, isn't it?) into the body. Too much cortisol means extra fat storage in the stomach, glutes and thighs. Unexplained weight gain with nothing changed in diet? Yep. You might wanna take a looksie loo at your adrenals and cortisol levels.
I pretty much self-diagnosed myself through lots of research this past winter. I had my "mental breakdown" sometime this winter and remember going through a pretty serious panic attack of not being able to handle the stress I was under. First BIG warning sign. My body had stopped being able to be effecient in making the proper level of cortisol to meet the stress levels I was under. I remember not feeling good AT ALL and just feeling like I was trudging through each day in a fog. The confirmation came through my hormone test results I got a month back. Summed up all my suspicions.
Here's some of the signs and symptoms I was walking through on a daily basis:
*Carb and sugar cravings which were off the charts!
*Not sleeping at all. Normal to toss through the entire night. "Waking up" exhausted which really just meant I was rolling out of bed for work at 445 am pretty consistently. I had already been awake most of the night.
*Crashing soon after my coffee wore off around 10 am for the rest of the day, until of course, waking up and having a ton of energy after it was time for bed around 10 pm.
*Hair loss
*Skin and face lacking color; black circles under eyes no matter the night I did happen to get rest.
*No energy whatsoever to workout in any capacity. Knowing I should do it, but never getting to do it b/c too exhausted. The very thought of working out made me cringe b/c I was so tired.
*Heavy reliance on caffeine and stimulants
*Water retention that would never disappear.
*Weight gain. Weight gain. Weight gain!
*Elevated heart rate for no particular reason.
*Inability to deal with any stress whatsoever.
*Mild depression and wanting to give up things I used to love doing.
*Not feeling myself at all and not knowing what to do to fix it.
Oh, the list can go on and on. I have never felt as sick as I did this past winter. I contributed it to just high stress at work (which was there), but now looking back, realize it was really a combo of the environment, hours, and whole set up of the past year that really all acted together to push me over the adrenal fatigue cliff, so to speak.
What I've learned:
Those lil adrenal glands need rest. I came out of a very couple stressful years. They were going strong for so long they finally just ran out of juice. It's time to get them back to a normal state of operating. How?
I am stealing the following from a websearch. It really is the best description I've found so far about how to get started on this path to healing.
Ways to Heal Adrenal Fatigue (from an online source)...
Reversing the effects of adrenal fatigue requires time and concerted effort (something I'm learning more and more each day). Depending on the severity of one's condition, it can take anywhere from a few months to a few years to reverse the damage from adrenal fatigue. Lifestyle modifications are key to the healing process.
- omit all stimulants: including sugar, caffeine, chocolate, alcohol.
- rest: aim for 8 hours of sleep each night, including going to sleep at the same time at night and taking short rests throughout the day; the adrenals need rest particularly between 11pm and 1am.
- light to moderate physical activity: this one has been difficult for me to get used to, I'm used to running and taking hot yoga classes. But right now, those practices are detrimental to the healing process. So, I'm taking light one hour walks most days, with yoga every other day. Some days are better than others, and I feel energized on my walks, but others require more effort. If I'm too tired, I simply don't do the exercise that day and rest instead.
- follow a whole food, low sugar diet: one that is high in protein, Vitamin C foods (although I am currently not doing citrus), whole grains, and vegetables (see more below).
- timing meals: have a protein rich breakfast before 10 am, followed by a snack, eat lunch between 11-12pm, followed by another snack, eat dinner between 5-6pm, with a potential snack before bedtime. This helps to keep consistent blood sugar levels and places less stress on the adrenals.
- lifestyle changes: modify lifestyle choices to reduce the amount of stress in your life.
- do things you enjoy: depending on the stage of adrenal fatigue, one can become apathetic towards life. Make sure to do the things you enjoy, smile, and laugh, knowing that you will feel better.
So all this being said, I think the biggest thing I've learned is you cannot keep pushing your body to the limit. It will eventually push back and say ENOUGH! I learned this the past summer. It's ok to rest. It's ok to workout doing some light things. Heck, at least that would be consistent for me! I used to workout so much more and hard too. Time to get the routine back, but with different expectations. I have decided to not feel bad anymore about taking some restful time, all the time. It's really all I know to do to get back to normal. Sure, I might be in bed earlier than later now, but it's all taking care of me. I know I do not want to feel as sick as I felt this past winter. In order to avoid this, I have to make some changes and this is one of them. I had to give up my half marathon and Wild West Relay, which was hard, but so glad I did. The eating has changed quite a bit, too.
Foods to avoid when treating Adrenal Fatigue:
*Potassium rich foods: no bananas, coconut water or dried fruits.
*Sugar and refined carbs.
*High sugar fruits. Avoid oranges as they are too stimulating.
*CAFFEINE. Any stimulants. Avoid chocolate. Energy Drinks.
Foods to add in to help treat those Adrenals:
*Whole grains in moderation.
*Berries and low sugar fruits like apples.
*Vegetables: the darker the better - dark, leafy, bitter greens, cruciferous vegetables, the more the merrier. I feel I need to eat more veggies, whether raw or cooked, and would like to reduce my fruit consumption as a result; aim for 6-8 servings per day. Dark leafy greens and veggies. Lots of 'em! Dim is really good for you, too. Helps flush out the xenoestrogens that we get from all the bad stuff in our diet, and processed foods, meat/dairy that is not hormone free, plastics in the microwave, etc.
*A lot of good proteins!
*Good multivitamin, EFA's rich in Omega 3/6/9s, trace minerals, probiotics, Vitamin D, Cal/mag, etc. Pretty much give your body the best environment to get better.
SLEEP. Be in bed by 10:30 pm every night at the latest. Try to get at least 8 hours of sleep and sleep as late as you can (sleeping, not snoozing). I might have to start getting into bed by 9 pm if I'm gonna get my workouts in the morning before work.
I wouldn't wish this on anyone at all. I hope tho, that by speaking up about it, if you have been experiencing these things, this gives you hope that you are not going crazy! You can feel better and start the road to recovery. Remember, you did this to yourself without knowing in many cases, but it's time to change it around. It takes being wiling to change your environment and make sure you are in a place where you can recover. If you've gone through this, please share what's worked for you as well! I would like to add to the healing process. :)
I think the biggest thing I've been learning is how important it is to give my body the environment for rest and recovery. I am not feeling badly any more about not being out doing things at all crazy hours of the day/night or not having the energy to do what I used to once do. I am now embracing the healing process as important as training for a race. It all goes hand in hand. I think the biggest thing I'd like to pass on to others is that although you may have never been here, don't judge those who are! It is a very serious condition as if you leave it unattended, your health can be in serious risk. Our world sees it as a normal thing that goes on because we are taught that unless we are burning the candle at both ends, we are not working hard enough in life. Think how common "mid life crisis's" are and how many times people complain of being tired all the time. I'll leave you with another blurb from the search I came across b/c I think it summarizes the whole thing fully:
The Path of Recovery
I cannot stress this enough: adrenal fatigue is a serious condition, although it can often go unaddressed and is not widely recognized by Western medicine. In our society, 'burning the candle at both ends' and pushing ourselves beyond our means is, unfortunately, a cultural norm. Progress is in opposition to rest and relaxation, and those who take time to relax are more often than not viewed as lazy or self-indulgent.
From my research, I've determined that adrenal fatigue is a condition which, ironically, has the potential to empower one to take their health back into their own hands by re-evaluating their lifestyle, life choices, daily habits, and making way to practice extreme self-care.
Learning that I deserve rest and relaxation has been a valuable life lesson. For as long as I can remember, I have been prone to over-extending myself beyond my limits and this adrenal fatigue has been a big wake up call to make changes in my life. I've started to recognize these patterns and their roots, which has sparked this period of healing.
For me, adrenal fatigue has been a positive catalyst for me to do some much needed 'inner work' and healing. Rather than running away from these issues, I've had to heal them. Learning to 'do nothing', 'achieve nothing' and simply 'be' has been quite the challenge for me; especially when exercise has always been a great energy release for me. Also, I've started to question 'who I am' apart from the achievements and accomplishments, accepting myself without those attachments.
If you or someone you know is experiencing adrenal fatigue, give them or yourself the permission to rest, heal, and be. Things will improve with time and patience, and taking the proper steps necessary to good health, wellness, and balance. Remember that everyone has different constitutions, so conduct your own research and ask questions with a natural health practitioner.
Despite the negative effects of adrenal fatigue, I am so grateful for the experience. What a valuable life and learning lesson this has been. You can still have a zest and fire for life with balance.
~http://www.barefootandfrolicking.com/2013/05/healing-adrenal-fatigue-naturally-my.html
My heart needed to ramble.
Honest feelings.
Cuz sometimes you just need to get it ALL out with nothing more than randomness!
I want to start a family soon. (My soon means 1-2 years).
I have no idea what I will do with my career when we start a family.
I want to plan an amazing wedding celebration party for me and my Matt, but have no time or funds right now. Boo :(
I am so ready for feeling back to my normal, healthy self. Impatience is something I often need to grow in.
I wonder if I will ever get back to normal with good, rested adrenals.
I have to trust I will.
I absolutely hate traffic and big cities. They are dirty and make my heart yearn for the countryside and rolling hills. Trying to learn to like it. It's tough.
I love Matt more than life itself!
Last night was the first night in SO long I have actually woke up rested. I need to figure out how to get more of those.
I wonder if I can really honestly get back to my normal weight. I know I can, but it's hard to see the vision of it when I feel the way I do right now.
I feel trapped in my car. Sounds weird, I know, but it's just not me and I can't "zip" and let my hair blow all over in it. It feels too confining. Will sell that sucker soon.
I'm beyond grateful to God for helping me in my life and giving me my job. I love helping people!
I'm really excited to go back to school in September, but scared it'll be too much right now. I can't change the start date again, tho! Here goes nada!
I would like to buy a house sooner than later and before kids, but have no idea where we want to land.
I miss my friends in FTC.
I miss the mountains and crisp air around me.
I want to find a place I can run for miles without the buzz of traffic in my ear. Just the view of God's countryside.
I feel like there was no summer. Whaaaaaaa? Where'd it go? Too much responsibility and too little play time.
I have learned more in the past year of working than I have my entire life in a career.
I wish my family and Matt's could be in the same exact state. I love and miss everyone so much.
I think having 3 kids would be really cool. But let's start with 2.
Natural light in a house is priceless. Fluorescent lights should be banned.
I have been complaining more than ever in my life. Tiredness does stupid stuff to me. Gonna work on that.
I don't know when or if I can trust the church again. It's getting better, but it's tough to get inside those walls again. Maybe the church isn't meant to be contained in walls?
I miss the ocean, sunflowers, and seeing the countryside for miles.
I miss my puppies. This girl is meant to have dogs. We will add puppies eventually. In the meantime, the pet store will do.
Being a manager is tough work. Not sure it's me for eternity. Learning much from it for now tho.
Having an amazing boss is a gift. Someone who says their job is to mentor you is rare and amazing. A boss who actually takes the time and follows through with what they said they'd do: priceless. Already learned so much from mine now. Grateful for her and taking the time to pour into me!
I am partnered with the most amazing man there is on this earth. I can only thank my future mother in law for that for the rest of our lives. I love Matt more than life itself. He is my man!!
Learning that its ok to let yourself FEEL. There is cleansing of the heart that happens when you let out the days frustrations and let it go instead of pretending all is good and holding it in for another day's residue.
Learning to work on controlling only what I can control. The rest is a waste of time and energy. Let it go.
Learning to be grateful for any season I am in because it can be changed in the future.
Looking forward to being settled into life again. We will get there. No matter what.
Love that Matt told me he will still be kissing all over me and stuff even when we're 80. Love that man. :) He is not bashful or ashamed of anything! :)
I have found my football partner in life. He's 6'4" and loves beer and wings like me. :)
When I get my new car, Matt wants to drive it after it's "broken in." When I say drive it, I mean take it to the limits. Sorry, babe. You'll have to go test drive one to do that again.
When it all comes down to it in the end, I would live with my babe in a shack for the rest of our lives if it means I would be with him. The rest is just dreams and details we dream together. Happiness is found in the heart! God knew exactly what we both needed when he put us on that flight to Florida.
Friendships are the diamonds worn by the heart. They cause you to sparkle and shine. I would like to make some really good ones here in Denver.
I will do anything it takes to give my children an obesity and overweight free lifestyle for them to grow up in. So I'll conquer this now.
I love God. I love my family. I love Matt. I love my life.
I refuse to be someone I am not for the sake of anything in life. I will not sell out to be someone other than me.
I love puppy breath and those lil fellas running around in the dog park. I need my running buddies back. Need a house first.
When money is tight, it just means you get a chance to see why you are really happy in life and that makes me smile bigger than ever before. :)
It's Sunday and I am gonna go to the pool and lounge. Why? Because I get to enjoy one of God's best creations: the sunshine and water.
Cuz sometimes you just need to get it ALL out with nothing more than randomness!
I want to start a family soon. (My soon means 1-2 years).
I have no idea what I will do with my career when we start a family.
I want to plan an amazing wedding celebration party for me and my Matt, but have no time or funds right now. Boo :(
I am so ready for feeling back to my normal, healthy self. Impatience is something I often need to grow in.
I wonder if I will ever get back to normal with good, rested adrenals.
I have to trust I will.
I absolutely hate traffic and big cities. They are dirty and make my heart yearn for the countryside and rolling hills. Trying to learn to like it. It's tough.
I love Matt more than life itself!
Last night was the first night in SO long I have actually woke up rested. I need to figure out how to get more of those.
I wonder if I can really honestly get back to my normal weight. I know I can, but it's hard to see the vision of it when I feel the way I do right now.
I feel trapped in my car. Sounds weird, I know, but it's just not me and I can't "zip" and let my hair blow all over in it. It feels too confining. Will sell that sucker soon.
I'm beyond grateful to God for helping me in my life and giving me my job. I love helping people!
I'm really excited to go back to school in September, but scared it'll be too much right now. I can't change the start date again, tho! Here goes nada!
I would like to buy a house sooner than later and before kids, but have no idea where we want to land.
I miss my friends in FTC.
I miss the mountains and crisp air around me.
I want to find a place I can run for miles without the buzz of traffic in my ear. Just the view of God's countryside.
I feel like there was no summer. Whaaaaaaa? Where'd it go? Too much responsibility and too little play time.
I have learned more in the past year of working than I have my entire life in a career.
I wish my family and Matt's could be in the same exact state. I love and miss everyone so much.
I think having 3 kids would be really cool. But let's start with 2.
Natural light in a house is priceless. Fluorescent lights should be banned.
I have been complaining more than ever in my life. Tiredness does stupid stuff to me. Gonna work on that.
I don't know when or if I can trust the church again. It's getting better, but it's tough to get inside those walls again. Maybe the church isn't meant to be contained in walls?
I miss the ocean, sunflowers, and seeing the countryside for miles.
I miss my puppies. This girl is meant to have dogs. We will add puppies eventually. In the meantime, the pet store will do.
Being a manager is tough work. Not sure it's me for eternity. Learning much from it for now tho.
Having an amazing boss is a gift. Someone who says their job is to mentor you is rare and amazing. A boss who actually takes the time and follows through with what they said they'd do: priceless. Already learned so much from mine now. Grateful for her and taking the time to pour into me!
I am partnered with the most amazing man there is on this earth. I can only thank my future mother in law for that for the rest of our lives. I love Matt more than life itself. He is my man!!
Learning that its ok to let yourself FEEL. There is cleansing of the heart that happens when you let out the days frustrations and let it go instead of pretending all is good and holding it in for another day's residue.
Learning to work on controlling only what I can control. The rest is a waste of time and energy. Let it go.
Learning to be grateful for any season I am in because it can be changed in the future.
Looking forward to being settled into life again. We will get there. No matter what.
Love that Matt told me he will still be kissing all over me and stuff even when we're 80. Love that man. :) He is not bashful or ashamed of anything! :)
I have found my football partner in life. He's 6'4" and loves beer and wings like me. :)
When I get my new car, Matt wants to drive it after it's "broken in." When I say drive it, I mean take it to the limits. Sorry, babe. You'll have to go test drive one to do that again.
When it all comes down to it in the end, I would live with my babe in a shack for the rest of our lives if it means I would be with him. The rest is just dreams and details we dream together. Happiness is found in the heart! God knew exactly what we both needed when he put us on that flight to Florida.
Friendships are the diamonds worn by the heart. They cause you to sparkle and shine. I would like to make some really good ones here in Denver.
I will do anything it takes to give my children an obesity and overweight free lifestyle for them to grow up in. So I'll conquer this now.
I love God. I love my family. I love Matt. I love my life.
I refuse to be someone I am not for the sake of anything in life. I will not sell out to be someone other than me.
I love puppy breath and those lil fellas running around in the dog park. I need my running buddies back. Need a house first.
When money is tight, it just means you get a chance to see why you are really happy in life and that makes me smile bigger than ever before. :)
It's Sunday and I am gonna go to the pool and lounge. Why? Because I get to enjoy one of God's best creations: the sunshine and water.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Account: CLOSED.
Tonight is open thought time. My vent. I rarely allow myself the luxury of writing without a filter and tonight I am. Today has been a VERY sad day for me. I chose to, and initiated the closing of a door on a long term friendship I've had since my childhood. Why? Because it wasn't healthy. Why I've allowed so many passive people into my life in the past is beyond me, but that season of life is over. Done.
I hold pretty stubborn to my beliefs in that when you have a close friendship with someone, you should allow for the ebbs and flows of life and give each other the space each needs to live, while also enjoying time together. With this individual, we shared everything with each other and spoke into each other's lives quite a bit. Recently, when I moved, she had a very tough time in thinking that everything was all different now and that we couldn't be close anymore. Why, I still am puzzled. She has moved multiple times over the years, in different states, yada yada yada. In all honesty, we didn't even hang hardly ever, and to my memory, did maybe 5 (if lucky and rounding up), active things together in the span of 20+ years...other than sitting and drinking coffee. Oiy.
So, issues arose. Big whoop-ti- do surprise. I watched her with so many other people and issues over the years, that I was completely naive to think that something would never come up here. Still do not have much idea about what was wrong, but as one is unwilling to talk about it, there's not a whole lot the other can do. Out of my control. I firmly believe if you have an issue with someone, you need to talk with them directly and if that's not possible, then phone, but for goodness sake, never over text or email! Are you kidding me?! That is the most impersonal, and misunderstood form of communication there is. And when trying to solve an issue that is already without ANY clarity, it's a lose lose situation. I refused to and will not, read any emails as I stated it very clearly that my intent was directly with this person. Email slander is such a cowardly, cheap shot. It truly shows the heart was not to ever reconcile. Victim mentality galore. Take a shot and let it simmer. Shoot again. Oh, they wanna talk? No way.... Um, yeah, I have no absolutely NO respect for that.
It makes me sad to lose someone from so many years back, but you know, honestly, a true friend is willing to talk about what's irking them before the 4 month mark hits of silence on the issue. I was kidding myself in thinking it was a healthy friendship. So now, it's done. I can move on and not have that person trying to control me with the silent death of a something when someone is unwilling to reconcile a situation. There. Done. Moving on. Lessons learned and noted. Will not deeply befriend someone with so many huge issues in life and carrying grudges again.
Love this quote I came across today that went somewhat like this:
"When someone is withdrawing so much out of your life and never depositing, you are soon left with an empty, or even negative account. Know when to close the account. "
Account closed.
I hold pretty stubborn to my beliefs in that when you have a close friendship with someone, you should allow for the ebbs and flows of life and give each other the space each needs to live, while also enjoying time together. With this individual, we shared everything with each other and spoke into each other's lives quite a bit. Recently, when I moved, she had a very tough time in thinking that everything was all different now and that we couldn't be close anymore. Why, I still am puzzled. She has moved multiple times over the years, in different states, yada yada yada. In all honesty, we didn't even hang hardly ever, and to my memory, did maybe 5 (if lucky and rounding up), active things together in the span of 20+ years...other than sitting and drinking coffee. Oiy.
So, issues arose. Big whoop-ti- do surprise. I watched her with so many other people and issues over the years, that I was completely naive to think that something would never come up here. Still do not have much idea about what was wrong, but as one is unwilling to talk about it, there's not a whole lot the other can do. Out of my control. I firmly believe if you have an issue with someone, you need to talk with them directly and if that's not possible, then phone, but for goodness sake, never over text or email! Are you kidding me?! That is the most impersonal, and misunderstood form of communication there is. And when trying to solve an issue that is already without ANY clarity, it's a lose lose situation. I refused to and will not, read any emails as I stated it very clearly that my intent was directly with this person. Email slander is such a cowardly, cheap shot. It truly shows the heart was not to ever reconcile. Victim mentality galore. Take a shot and let it simmer. Shoot again. Oh, they wanna talk? No way.... Um, yeah, I have no absolutely NO respect for that.
It makes me sad to lose someone from so many years back, but you know, honestly, a true friend is willing to talk about what's irking them before the 4 month mark hits of silence on the issue. I was kidding myself in thinking it was a healthy friendship. So now, it's done. I can move on and not have that person trying to control me with the silent death of a something when someone is unwilling to reconcile a situation. There. Done. Moving on. Lessons learned and noted. Will not deeply befriend someone with so many huge issues in life and carrying grudges again.
Love this quote I came across today that went somewhat like this:
"When someone is withdrawing so much out of your life and never depositing, you are soon left with an empty, or even negative account. Know when to close the account. "
Account closed.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)