Life is like a basket of hot wings.

You ever stand back and reflect on your life and just throw your hands up in the air and say, "woah!?"  Not necessarily a good or bad, "woah," but still very much a "woah?!" Haha...Yep, that's about where I'm at.  I have been going through ALOT of change, to say the least. I figured it was time to write it all down just because it's good for the soul (and the sleep cycle and getting those eyes closed. ) Warning: this blog is gonna be very raw. Please try to read my heart through here, even if things don't come out "politically correct."  I am going to try to just be really real here :)

I'm going through a divorce. There I said it.  Let me first say that the reasons aren't needing to be written down on here, but I am an open book, so if anyone reading this wants to hear the short summary who has known me and John as a couple in the past, I am here and very much approachable.  I just want to state that I have nothing bad to say about him and think he is an amazing person!  We have just decided it was time to move on as our quality of life together as a couple was not the best thing for each of us as individuals.  We are still very much friends, even though it will be in a very different capacity in the future.  The end of March is when all of this will be finalized.

Ok, so what have I learned? First, why the comparison to hot wings?? Lemme explain.  Hot wings are one of my most favorite things ever.  Seriously, they are.  They sneak up on you sometimes, and the spice can bite ya when you least expect it.  Other times, you just handle the spice depending on what sauce you have chosen to glaze 'em with that go'round.  This is much like life.  Life is a surprise! I have learned to love this about my life.  You never know what kind of reaction you're gonna have to the things it brings you day to day.  Some days, it's just plain easy to get through and others are very "spicy" and bite back at ya.  I have learned to appreciate both of these kind of days, for they each give you a very important and distinct lesson to learn.

If we didn't have the days that shock us and bite back at us, would we ever grow? Would we ever be thankful for the "down time" in our life, or the "mild" wing days? Nope, I don't think so.  And then there are the days where you need the assistance of dipping sauce.  Ranch, blue cheese, whatever your taste, it dumbs down the crazy flavor a bit so you can handle it.  I like to think of my friendships as the dipping sauce.  The right one is always there for me at the right time I need the balance for my tongue.

After the hottest wing challenge of my life (hence, where I'm coming from right now...),  one can look back and take a deep breath.  You did it. You survived the challenge and lookie there, the burn went away gradually and you have learned what you can handle in life.  You can look back at the result being a stronger, more resilient person who knows that the capacity of what could be handled has been stretched to new levels.  I know who I am now, what I need in my life, and what things I will never do again.  I have learned priceless, priceless lessons and am extremely grateful for those, even though they were difficult to learn.

I want to state that I do not like what I have gone through. Divorce is a very, very, very tough thing to go through, and even stating that, it does not describe how tough.  It is honestly one of the worst things I have ever gone through.  It is not something to be taken lightly or just jumped into as a "we fight, therefore it's not good...lets bail" kinda option.  At least for me and John, it was the last thing we had.  When you start to disappear out of your life as the person you were made to be, that is a very dangerous place to be in.  That's where we were each getting to, and we decided that it was important to preserve the individual over the promise.  Nothin' else needs to be said here at this point in time.  I love John and will always.  I have no regrets and do not wish to "erase" the portion of my life that had him in it.  We have both learned MUCH and for that I am grateful.

Through this, I have learned to see the Hand of the Father in my life.  He loves me. His love is truly unconditional.  I had no idea about the capacity of His love for me until I was faced with my basket of the hottest hot wings I had ever been served.  Yes,  God states in the Bible that He hates divorce and that it's wrong.  There's also lying, rebellion, stealing, etc etc etc.  I do not state this to justify anything with divorce.  Me and John made a decision we weighed heavily for years.  For our situation, this is what happened.  We took it to God for months and asked His guidance in the situation.  I look back and see How he did help us and did not leave us.  He stayed along side us despite the decision we made.  For us, there was no other option. No regrets, and no other choice.   Although He never led me to get a divorce ( I want to make that clear- God did not tell me to do this...He does not contradict His Word.), what I felt over and over was His love for me no matter what.  He loves me.  His love for me is not dependent on my actions. Thank you, Jesus! If it were, I'm certain I'd be a gonner.  He loves me no matter what.  The realization of this is overwhelming.  I can honestly say I didn't die b/c of His love for me.  I am not bitter b/c He loves me.  I can genuinely smile b/c He loves me.  I believe in love, and will again and again,  b/c He loves me....

Someday, I really hope that I get another shot at this marriage thing.  I'd like to apply all I've learned b/c it's SO MUCH! I have so much to offer someone,  and wish to.  Although, I don't know the timing God may bring, I am choosing to take life as it comes at me.  God knows when times are right and I know I can trust my future to His hands. Heck, He knows what's gonna happen anyway!   I have learned that one can't simply apply the "rules" in society to every situation and that one shouldn't live to please others.  You gotta do what's right for you and what you feel God has given you peace to do.  'Nough said. 

Ephesians 3:18:  "I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ,  and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." NIV

Psalms 118:17 "I will not die, but live and will proclaim what the Lord has done." (My life verse.)

Well, there you have it.  My life is like a basket of hot wings.  And I love it, no matter how hot they get some days.  They sure do remind me that I have got me some good taste buds.