When you get hurt, most times, you will find yourself putting on a Band-Aid to help the wound heal. I remember I always wanted the Disney Princess ones because that's what Sarah means. Sometimes you get so used to it being there, especially if it's pink and has Cinderella in her beautiful ballgown smiling at you, that you don't realize it's not needed anymore. You also prefer it to be there becase it seems so pretty! You may not realize it's become tattered and dirty as it's been on too long. And then sometimes you just don't realize it's there until it's time to remove it. Removing a Band-Aid hurts. Alot. Especially if it's been there a while. But you have to remove it in order for the renewed skin to breathe in the fresh air and get tough to the elements again. And then sometimes, the Band-Aid gets removed by catching on something and ripping off. You may screech a bit, then breathe deep as you realize it's gone and your skin is new underneath. You forget that healing has been happening quietly, and hidden under that tiny strip of sticky tape.
In the span of this past week, a Band-Aid I didn't realize was still on my heart, got removed. It was removed from shock. I got word that my ex husband got remarried and I lost my very best friend of 20+ years. As for my ex, I am so happy for John and that he found happiness and hopefully as much as God has brought to me. The toughest part of this week was my best friend decided she didn't want me in her life anymore. Yes there were reasons, some fair, others not, but the street goes both ways. There have been many times throughout our childhood, I have given to her quietly, maybe without her knowing, as she needed it and the supportive arm of friendship. That's what friends do for each other. Some seasons are about the one going through stuff, and then the next season is recipricating that back to the other as they are going through stuff. I just simply put, miss her. A lot. She has spoken so much into my life and to just pull the cord hurt me a lot. I tried responding to her in apology for whatever it was, but she decided it was over. So let it be.
I think one of the best things I've ever heard with friendships is that you have to hold them in your hand with care. As life ebbs and flows, you have to be willing to let them flow. Some people are meant to stick in your life for the duration, others are meant to pass freely in and out. And what's good for the past is not necessarily good for your future. It hurts to realize this, but I have reached back out there to see if there's a future there. If not, it's time to move on.
I haven't been able to cry for a long time because of the busy season I'm in the midst of. At work, we are in an active rebuilding of a chaotic past. My time has been so in demand, it has exhausted me to the core. I have been doing the jobs of many, but love it even tho it's tough. This being said, I feel strongly that this is where I'm supposed to be and LOVE my job. I know God placed me there and I feel I am thriving in my strengths. I know He has given me the strength and grace for this position. It's just been hard, but it's made me so much stronger and my professional growth has been intense and efficient with the pressure! I have grown a ton in my personal life, too. It's fun to see. :) Diamonds have to be cut and go through intense pressure to get as strong as they are and as shiny as they become.
I decided to go see a therapist as I've done so much work with God on my own and needed someone who does that for a living to help me grow more. After the session, I felt very refreshed and free! It was like a cleansing. It was nice to get a professional, unbiased opinion about the situation and just let me dump out my heart's past. I did not expect the following days to be a very deep grieving of what I have left behind me in my past life. It's final. The Band-Aid is now gone. I can let my skin breathe again. It's time to trust that it can handle the bright Colorado sunshine. The crisp mountain air. The sparkling snow. The dings and scratches of life I may collect from here on out. I can handle it because I've let myself heal. If you don't start using what was wounded again, you start to think it's never healed. Sometimes you just have to test it out and trust it won't hurt too badly to start using it again. It's time to trust again. And with this, I feel it's time to trust those in the church again. I was so hurt in the past from those who were the very ones who were my family. A dear new friend made me realize this week that not the whole church is the hurtful ones. Just some who are being used to hurt others.
My past has died. The old is gone. The new has come. I am in such a fresh season! I am so happy and when this past week happened, it was like an old heaviness that no longer has control over my life tried to jump back on board. No more. It's time to move on. I am a beautiful, healthy, strong, and confident woman with much to offer to those around me. With God's help, I have been rebuilding my life. Bits and pieces have been falling back into place allowing me to trust again. I love again. It's come full circle. Time to FULLY live. All the areas are now healed. I'm trusting they all still work, but there's only one way to find out...
No more Band-Aids. I'm leaving them in the box. And with this realization, the tears start to fall...
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